I need a Purpose

This morning started out on a very depressing note; I felt so horrible and beaten that I just plain couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed until mid morning.  I felt so depressed all I could do was dig down deeper under the covers and close my eyes, wishing to God it would go away.  I hate depression; it always steals away so much that is valuable in my life.  I'm afraid of depression and the power that it has over me..........but there's only one who can fight against this depression....and that's........me.  I managed to drag myself out of bed and make myself breakfast and go on to do my regular mundane chores...I knew I had to force myself to go to the store and pick up some groceries..FORCE is the key word here......and I did.....I wrestled away the stranglehold of the depression and FORCED myself to go over there and shop.....and I did.....my mood was starting to lift anyway but it was still a long way from the top.  Didn't do much after I came back home; just sat and did some reading and then had a nap.  Being alone is really getting to me; sometimes I love it and other times I feel so needy, wish I had someone here with me.  After that stupid episode I just had I feel nervous at the thought of not having someone to care for me, to care enough to save me from myself.....I don't think I'll ever meet another person like Paul ....so I have to find the  strength to go it alone...totally alone.....Tonight I decided to go down to the sitting room and visit with whoever would be there; it looked very festive with tree and decorations....(Christmas...that's another story) but it as nice down there.  Just listening to and seeing other people around brought me to a more positive state of mind.  Not the best but still much much better than this morning.  I know now why I don't get up early and stay up.........it's because I feel that I have nothing to get up for....I wish I could change that but I don't know how.  I ....don't......know....how.

Feeling Lonely

I found this to be an extra long day because I didn't go outside or anything....it was just too cold...I know, I need to get used to it because we're looking down the throat of winter; could get snow any time.  Even though Alice popped by at  noon with a Tim's coffee for me, as well as three Sobey's cards (was supposed to be my Christmas present but I need them now)..this is the first time my finances got so low since I took over  them after Paul died.  The reason I'm skating by on $32 is because I spent $100 on the lazy boy chair that Susan had for sale; I don't usually spend that much at once but I really needed the chair...I don't plan to make any more major purchases in the days ahead....that;s it.  On my small income I really can't afford it.  I need another computer chair to replace this one but I plan to spend very little.  So Alice gave me the cards early so I'll have them to buy groceries should I run out ( I bought some milk to hopefully see me through a few more days, thinking I wouldn't have any money for it.....this has to last till the end of this month and that's a long time away when I don't have the cash money.  I'll be able to make it now, thanks to Alice......I wish she could have come in though because loneliness is starting to get to me.  I need to feel that I matter.  Loved?  I need male companionship, someone who could give me a hug now and then...I don't like hugging women ; I need a man for that.  Not cheap sex.  Just support, closeness, warmth...all the things I'm lacking in my life.  Sometimes I wish that I had been the one to die instead of Paul.  I knew i'd be lonely but I have tried to stay tough and not let any of this get me down.  It isn't easy.  Rowena hasn't been up yet, and I always feel better when she's here with me; must be something on the go; she's usually here.  Oh I'll make it through this; I always do, but I could sure use a heaping helping of pure happiness.

Speechless/ Flu shot

Another fall, another bout of laryngitis...serious laryngitis where I can't talk at all, it's all I can do to even whisper.....I had it now for three days hoping each day would be the last,,But no, it marches continually on and it will go when it's ready.  The sooner the better ; the Salvation Army wants me to sing a couple pieces when they come again next month and I'd really love to start practising, but not in this state.  FRUSTRATING!!!!!!  and it doesn't help any that my throat is so sore too...
On the more positive side I got my flu shot this afternoon so now that's one more thing out of the way and I'm protected against the nasty old flu.
Sharon took me to the food bank today and made another appointment
with me in two weeks time cause I couldn't do much talking with my throat bound up the way it is; it will be a house visit so I'm anxious to show her all the changes I've made in the apartment...maybe I'll have my Christmas tree up too.  I hope to make things nice and  festive here cause I'm not ENTIRELY alone...not like I was last year.
I got my recliner today too;Ralph brought it up and I was very happy for sure!  I waited quite a while for it and now the wait is over!  I really love it too; it's a smaller size one which  is perfect for this apartment; it feels so much more roomy and airy since I cleared out all of the stuff Paul had piled up here.......he hoarded a ton of stuff and it's taken me all this time to reclaim the apartment as my own. Nothing against Paul; I still miss him (when he was well) and we'd play cards and board games by the hour......but since this is my place I need to arrange it to suit me.  This little place is my safe haven and castle......I truly love it!!!!!
(I do wish my Rogers bill would come in soon....I'm afraid to spend any money without getting it paid..)...I have no idea how much I have left in the bank..I thought I'd find out by using my debit card to pick up some milk but it doesn't work that way.  I need to go to the money machine and make a withdrawal, even if it's only $20.....I need to know before Rowena and I go to the Walmart with Nancy this Friday..I don't want to go spending anything if I don't know what i have to work with!!!!

Disappointing day

Cloudy and grey outside, does little for my spirits. I'm feeling kind of down and disappointed too because this was supposed to be my day with Nancy and Rowena...well, unfortunately Nancy was unable to come cause she's sick with the flu or cold or something.....Rick called to see if I could reschedule it for tomorrow; I said sure I could, but that leaves me out in the cold so to to speak.I needed to have them here today to help boost my spirits up.  It's so easy for me to slide down that slippery slope and it sure isn't fun.  I spent some time down in the sitting room and it helped while I was there.  I wanted to stay longer but I was thirsty and needed to go to the  bathroom too. 
The extra lithium that Dr Vayani added to my current dosage is causing my legs and feet to retain water like you wouldn't believe.....I didn't ant him upping it in the first place..it scares me when I see my legs and feet swollen like they are...Psych meds just aren't worth it.....too dangerous...too many side effects.....I'll have to talk to Dr Digby or Hoyt; whichever one I see first.....I heard horror stories about lithium and how it causes kidney failure...if it's  that bad then I don't want to take it.  I'll never be level anyway so why should I lay my physical health on the line for these pills?

still not sleeping

Once again, two hours of sleep last night...in one way I really don' t mind because I can find loads of things to do  that keep me from being bored!  Also I really love getting up bright and early in the morning...I'm hoping this will make it possible for me to go to things I've been missing  such as church and choir, day trips with the center, etc....I feel really good in the morning.....there are some periods where the sleep loss hits me and I could fall down right then and there; also I can't speak clearly at all and I feel so foolish when that happens...
Last night I was sooooo sleepy and half out of it that I couldn't find my blog...really stupid.....so I wound up not blogging at all..I thought that was the end of my blogging and I was extremely upset!  Oh, I can be so clueless!
My birthday went really well yesterday!  Rowena was here and also Alice and Billie-jo.....I got some really nice things that cheered my heart...I'm so happy that I have my family back....Susan called too and sent up some presents.....she's also going to track down a LazBoy recliner for me, also a computer chair..(this one is so thin it hurts my ass)The poor old couch is so old and worn it's time for it to move along; foam is even coming out of the cushions, and the couch smells.  I'm trying to fix up this apartment really nice so it will be my castle.  When poor Paul was here it was a cluttered nightmare.....I think he'd be proud of me if he couldis a couple hours of sleep a night see what I'm doing.
Sharon is coming tomorrow to take me up to the hospital to have my monthly blood work done.  I hope she had the chance to talk to Dr Hoyt regarding my loss of sleep.  I feel that the Tenazepam is being rejected by my brain after taking it regularly for many years (as in 30 some)  I don't want to lose out on my early mornings!  I love being up early and being able to get out to VARIOUS THINGS SUCH AS CHURCH AND CHOIR, DAY TRIPS, ETC)  I missed out on 4 day trips from the center, among other things by sleeping in so late.....All I need ,is  just enough to supply my need.  A couple or three hours a night would do the job effectively.  One problem right now is that I get hit by dizziness, inability to speak plainly.feeling like I've been hit on the head by a hammer...that's the part that need to be eliminated.  Also my mood swings.  I did much better today though, so it could be that the Abilify is going to take over and do the job.  Dr Hoyt promised me that she would take me off the Clozaril if the Abilify works.  So maybe she will and maybe I'll have a chance at losing some weight.!

Mixed up Mind

This was one weird day in all senses of the word...I'm still having problems with my sleeping, for starters, and when I got up at 4, I seriously thought it was 4 in the morning!  I was puzzled, though because it just didn't look like 4 AM....I got up anyway and felt like the only person left after the Rapture; I didn't see or hear anyone moving about the building, felt weird and lost too.  Continuing on in the belief I was up in the early morning I booted up the computer and hung out on Facebook and checking my emails.  I noticed the date on the tool bar was FRIDAY, OCT 14 and all I could think was that something had gone wrong with the machine because today was Saturday the 15th...I was positive of that.

  I had forgotten that I had an appointment with Dr Digby today;Rowena came along with me and too bad it was rainy 'cause we had to take a taxi up and back.....I had made a stupid mistake in
the bus schedule, so we missed the one we needed to ride to the clinic...I couldn't believe my stupidity!!! So..taxi up and taxi back......and taxis aren't cheap!!!!  I remember being in the office with the doctor and being sooo tired and soo confused....he was very concerned about my state of mind and wanted to take this further with Dr Hoyt (move my appointment up sooner....I tried to explain to him that her plan involves the Abilify and how well it works or not works....I didn't want him contacting her and getting her mad at me when all I had gone to see Dr Digby for was my sore throat...I wasn't sure if I had tonsillitis or what because sometimes my throat closes up and I think I'm going to choke..

Rip Roaring Success

After having a highly stressful day everything shifted around and brought me great joy!!!  Last night before going to bed I was tired and tucked the computer for another night..well anyway didn't I go and somehow switched it onto the new program that Ubuntu had...I
didn't even know what I had done so I was in for a hell of a terrible surprise when I went to boot her up for the day.  I didn't have two clues what was wrong with her so I had to go slinking over to Julian's for a helping hand.  I couldn't believe what he had to say to me...

bored bored bored

This has to be one of the most boring days I've put in in ages........I don't usually get bored here, there's always something to do.  But today is different. I'm still tired after my stay in the hospital and am falling asleep in my chair; it doesn't matter what I'm doing I find myself nodding off . Before last night I could blame it on the fact that I wasn't sleeping much at all (anywhere from 1 to 4 hours at the most)...I found that hard to understand because while I was in the hospital I slept like a log, no problems at all...I was getting up bright and early too!  and I still am.....my sleep cycle has changed for the better in that case....I hated sleeping in later and later and missing out on field trips with the center, among other things.  Now I'm up around 6 or 7 and I love watching the daylight coming in, a new day beginning.  Anyway, I never got up once last night and slept all the way through!  I guess I'm weary today because it's rainy and grey outside and everything is closed due to Remembrance Day.  I did go out once this morning only to find that Sobey's wasn't open.  Drats!  I wanted to pick up some milk.  That was the most enthusiastic thing I did all day.  I've been spending the rest of it between reading and doing puzzles......and I even sneaked in a bath.  I spent some time downstairs and even that was boring.  It's damn hard to keep my mood up when I'm so bored and restless, unable to do anything. Rowena hasn't even come up yet although I'm sure she
will later this evening.  "Blue bloods" will be on and her hero's in it (Tom Sellick) and she won't miss that on a bet.  Just make it through this afternoon and I should be good to go this evening.

Starting over

Well, it looks like I've been away for awhile...I was. Had a blow out due to the Abilify reacting with my clozaril..I don't think I was supposed to take both of the pills together, but I trusted in Dr Hoyt to know what she's doing.  She's really too young and inexperienced to be a psychiatrist anyway....and there's just no comparing her with the doctors on the ward.  They're not only experienced but brilliant as well and I trust them implicitly.  I was looked after by Dr Vayani and felt as safe as if I were in Mom's arms!  He was wonderful, kind, understanding with me.  I didn't even know I was becoming ill at all; just felt very very moody and half drunk...weird.  If it weren't for Julian across the hall I'd hate to think of what state of mind I'd be in today.  He called me into his apartment and told me flat out that something' was very wrong and that I should call my doctor..he outlined a lot of things that were showing up such as extreme blurring of my words, staggering alot.......and GET THIS....forgetting how to use my computer!!  I came home to mull it over and after ten minutes I called the Crisis centre who arrived here very very quickly and promptly took me to the hospital ER.  Apparently I was sick enough that they took me right in without the mandatory waiting period in the ER unit!  I don't recall exactly hat was done there but they discovered my medication balance was all  off , and my numbers weren't where they should be...They initially thought I had OD....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when that as the furthest tthing  from my mind...I suppose it didn't help much to have my previous attempts all logged in their files on me.The past never completely goes well..  Anyway in an attempt to summarise this, I was kept on the Medical floor before being sent down to Psych. My medications definitely WERE OUT OF ORDER so they were very helpful with getting me back on track.

wish daylight...

zzx

Did you ever have a time when you felt like killing your computer?  Today was the day for me!  For some reason ALL the passwords and things were wrong, and I knew darn well they were right!  I have all my pass codes and whatnot recorded in a  notebook; at first I thought maybe I was wrong, but EVERYTHING?  Ohh it was driving
me clear crazy, let me tell you!  I do know that the computers  are being tested to work out their kinks; although i t feels very much like a form of medieval torture!  Barely an hour ago the compute returned and I was allowed into my sites.  Let me
reiterate; computers have become a vital part of our modern lives and I don't know if we could survive without them.
l do enjoy having  cell phone and the sense of freedom it creates.  I'm not into texting, though, and likely will never be....I'm too much a klutz and would more than likely run into someone on a busy street. I'm not  great fan of Kindle either; I love to read from the real thing...a book!  I love the hefty weight in my  hand, the smell and feel of  the pages.   really can't understand how anyone could enjoy reading on a Kindle.  I guess that dates me; places me as one from the old school.  I do enjoy computers and technology but still.. life marches on.

Not sleeping

I don't know what's going on; my sleep seems to be gone by the wayside.  I haven't slept since Sunday.  I'm still feeling pretty good but I do have stretches were I'm so tired I think I'm going to die.  I WILL die if I don't start catching some zees soon.  I try to relax by lying on the bed and it's like floating on a cloud; so comfortable!  But no sleep.  I just lay there and take in the comforting feel of the blankets on me; which is great but I need to sleep.  I have no problems keeping busy (which is a surprise) in an apartment.  But I'm busy the whole time!  That's all well and good but what can I do to get my sleeping started up again?  I hate to bother the doctors with this, and I suppose I could take another Tenazepam but they're all rationed out for me.  I could give Dr Hoyt a call, but once again I don't want to be a bother.  Pest.  Sleeping is inevitable; everything sleeps..mine's kind of stuck right now.  This will pass..it HAS to!!!

3:30 AM and all is well

Well, here I am pulling another "all-nighter"and not feeling a bit tired in the slightest..I was rather high all evening and was very glad that Rowena was here with me.  Having someone with me keeps me from taking off and doing things that could get me hurt.....Memories of the time I left Paul and had to walk the streets  all night (apparently I was too manic at the Transition House and keeping the other girls awake so I was thrown out and left to fend for myself)  It was horrible.  I remember walking ad walking, up on street, down another with no idea where I'd wind up next....it turned out to be the DECH but I don't know how I got there.  I'm very wide awake but not manic so I KNOW I won' go jumping off the deep end and getting myself nothing but trouble!  I know better now.  I kept myself busy with a few projects such as wrapping more Christmas gifts, watching some TV, hanging out on the computer, didn't do much reading due to the fact I can't concentrate on a book right now.  I blame it on my lack of sleep.  Sooner or later the bottom will fall out and I'll do nothing but sleep for 3 or 4 days..only problem is hat the chesterfield is gone (they sawed it into three pieces in order to get it out the door) And here I was trying to wrestle it out on my own!!!!!!!!  I'm paying for it though with a sore back and legs.  I'm too independent for my own good (I'm a chip off the old block..Mom was very determined and independent too...I'm proud to have some of her traits.)
Rowena and I walked to Tim's after supper; at first I thought I wouldn't be going out anywhere because of my sore legs and back..I was sure I wouldn't be able to walk. But the more we talked on the phone the more determined I was that I'd at least try; find out where I'm at physically.  I did make it but I walked  a little slower than usual.  It was worth it to get out in the fresh air and then buy our coffees.....Life is good, no matter what.  (Meaning another trip to the DECH)...I'm very happy in my soul; wish I could meet more people and get out with them)  I signed onto a couple dating sites last week but that's not the same as actually meeting someone. I don't expect it to work for me.  It's more feasible that I'll run into someone the way I did Paul.  One just never knows!   :oD

My Blog is Back!

Hey!  Got my blog back after a ton of hassle on the computer...oh, I missed it so!  It's my journal, basically and I hate trying to write with paper and pen; this way i so much quicker and thus more is said.  I rely on my blog (as I did my journals) to help  with my memory.  So   much is happening in my life and I don't want  to lose any of it!
Since I didn't get to write anything for yesterday I'll summarize.  I decided to get out to church because I wanted to start back in the choir...after nearly 2 years I thought I was ready.  I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought; it took everything I could to stop falling asleep right there in the pew  :o(  I think I may have made myself some enemies (they probably thought I was a street person and drunk on top of it)  I get these WEAK SPELLS quite often but they're no due to alcohol.  After the service was over I headed for the  back room with everyone else to enjoy a sandwich and coffee. I might as well been a lump of stinking dog poop.....they all stayed clear of me..there were no welcoming words for me..nothing, just snubs.  OK that could go both ways.  Determined to never step foot inside that church again I put on my jacket and left.  I felt so discouraged that the walk home, I could have cried.  I want to find a church to attend (and sing in the choir) but it may be a tougher hunt than I first realized.  I do know that I'll never return to StPaul's.
Along with these weak spells I'm starting to hallucinate ....I hope it isn't caused by the ABILIFY...I need it so I can stop the Clozaril and maybe have a small stab at losing some of this ugly fat.  I read the sheet that came with the Abilify and there's no mention of weight gain...and that's what I'm after..a chance at losing some of this weight  I hate how it makes me feel; it's harder for my body to move around...and then there's the cosmetic side.  I weigh 183 right now and it just kills me.  My moods seem to be heading towards level again; I think the Abilify  should be thanked for that and I don't (I pray I don't) lose it...I have these spells where I feel totally high and out of body (this is not mania......I nod off (like I did in church),  it takes everything in me to get up and walk (without staggering)...and I'm doing my share of hallucinating.  Sleep is starting to return.......made it through the whole night last night,but slept past the early morning (which I don't want to do..I LOVE the early mornings, seeing the darkness being chased away by daylight....the solitude; you don't see ANYONE  around...knowing I won't miss any more functions like the ones I lost out on this summer.  I want to get out of tat bed and enjoy as many things as I can!  BUT I'M SLEEPING AGAIN, anyway.  We'll see how long it lasts.
This is weird, strange, but I felt Paul's presence around the apartment all day (and into the evening_  sometimes I'd see him, just a flash....but his presence was very strong He knows I miss him but there's nothing that can be done. I wonder if he wants to help me find Mr Right..someone who will love me, take care of me..all the things Paul did before the aneurysm took him away.  In the evening it felt like he had gone out for the evening (maybe to a fiddle jam?) and would be home later.  It was eerie.  I didn't even feel right myself; that this wasn't my home and I'd have to head out later..my head felt suspended above my body......strange thoughts.....and then you can't forget those HALLUCINATIONS!!!!  I think I'm on the slippery slope to another episode and I pray to God I'm not.  I don't have Paul to come in and cheer me any more.  2SE can be TERRIBLY DISMAL if you don't have company.

I'm scared

My lack of sleep and rest is starting to get to me..I noticed it in particular today.  It's weird the way I'm feeling.  All day even though I had Nancy and Rowena in I kept feeling as though I were in a netherland somewhere, that this was not my apartment and I'd have to go soon, I had many odd thoughts...and not so good either.  I've been hallucinating quite heavily, so heavily that it scared me.  No one likes hallucinations.  I certainly don't plan to tell anyone (as if there were someone to tell; I don't have a worker any more)...So basically I'll have to put up with this until I see Dr Hoyt in December..there's no way my appointment can be bumped ahead because it lies heavily on the new ,medications that I'm trying. I really hope they do the job so that I can be taken off the Clozaril....I've taken on too much weight already from the Clozaril....and the Dr seems to think this Abilify will do just the opposite.  Well, I'm long gone past the belief in fairy tales....I do so want to take these pounds off but I've given up hope.  Dr Digby was right in wanting to reach Dr Hoyt because I'm not well and am on that slippery slope back into the hospital (please tell me it isn't so)  I hate that place.  They;re not even allowed to "coddle" anyone lest tey decide they want to stay longer.  I hardly think so.  I wouldn't mind some coddling but when it came time to come home then that would be it; I'd be glad to get out of there.  I don't know why they think they can't do little kindnesses that might make a patient feel  a little more positive.  They used to when I first was admitted in 1991....I appreciated the kind words, little favors run...the hand on my shoulder,long talks......what's wrong with showing someone a little attention?  Now they hardly look at you, even the ones who have ECT done...everyone is treated the same..coldly and indifferently...it's a crying shame that things have swung so far in this direction.  Hospitals are SUPPOSED to be comforting, not a place where the patients are treated like criminals!

Fulfilling Plans

This has been a really  different day for me...firt of all I got up to find my computer unable to work...had no idea what was wrong with her!  Couldnt'  get her going no way at all.  I never saw her acting such a way and it panicked me.  The only thing I could do was to=cross the hall and drag Julien over across the hall to bail me out (again)..He was no time discovering the problem and had me back in
business.  He's  a genius in computer science and hardly took long to get to the bottom of things.  Oh that sure made my days.  I;m using my computer more cause the colder weather is on its way and we have no more concerts to go to in the park.  So we need something to do come winter with all it's ice, and snow, and wind.  I've come along way with the computer which will widen my area of expertise.  I do love computering and wish that I could hang out with Julian and learn how to build them along with him.  I look t him as a really good friend, and
there's no reason why good  friends can't do the odd thing together.  I have my name and picture in the local singles club but all I'm getting responses from are the fellowws who are looking for a one night sex stand......well, I'll have you know I'm not a "ho" and will not lay around for just any old man.  I have higher hopes than that, and if God sees fit to keep me alone then that's where and how I'll live.
   Well, if the weather is dry and not raining I'm planning to start attending church at St Paul;s..  I know it has been rended in two by the big spat they had a couple of years ago but it's the only church I know .  I need to rejoin the choir in order to minister to my soul and fill my need fir singing.  I'm getting up really early in the mornings and so it makes it possible for me to go to church.........Providing it doesn't rain I'll be able to walk.  I NEED to get back to church even if it isn't the correct one.  As long as I choose to listen and worship. the differences shouldn't matter.

Photos

I thought I'd dig out some photos of the times when Paul was still alive and able to have fun.......playing his beloved violin, guitar...coming to Tim's with me....I want to remember all the good times we had together and not the bad.  It's not hi sfault that his illness changed him so dramatically.  I miss him..the "normal" him....I miss playing cards, skip-bo, singing, going for drives,,,,,,shooting practice when we used old alarm clocks as targets....building our house,  he was so much fun and I loved him with all my heart.  We were perfect for one another.  I pray he's in a better place now and at peace after all the suffering he went through.  Goodbye, Paul, I still love you.

Losing support

It looks to me that it doesn't prosper  me to try to get ahead and conquer my illness.  In fact; just the opposite is true..  This was my day to be taken to the food bank by Sharon, and at first everything seemed all right.  And it was until we arrived home and I mentioned that I'd call her again for next month's trip.  She totally surprised me by saying that she would no longer be helping me out in the future; that I could not be pampered any more (pampering would keep me in need of health care as well as not making any effort to get better!)  I told her I'm NOT getting better; I'm still only sleeping one or two hours every night...and it's really affecting my mental state.....tough tittie.she said I'd have to find my own way to the food bank or doctor's appointments..anything.....no more pampering.  I know this is because the system is failing, not enough money to sustain it......she didn't even take me to Tim's for the last time.. What am I supposed to do without a worker to be there for me?  All along, all through the years I've had helpers...some I liked, some I didn't, but they were there for me.  They don't care what happens to me or the rest of the clients; we're not family or close friends.  I found this so disheartening that I cried when I made it into my apartment.  It hardly seems fair.  I guess they'll have a whole lot of sick people then, and all with no one to rely on.
Also I have somethng else on my mind; it's my throat.  Been bothering me for at least a week; it's very sore and making it hard for me to swallow, and sometimes it chokes me off (as if it's swollen tonsils) and I feel like I'm going to choke to death......I figured this was important enough to call Dr Digby so I did and I'll be seeing him tomorrow.  I imagine he'll be sticking that probe down my throat but it needs to be done.  I hope it's nothing serious!  I'm going up on the bus and since it looks like rain we'll (Rowena's coming with me) we;ll more than likely have to call a taxi.  I hate it when we have to spend out good money like that.

It's the funniest thing; since I changed the living room by getting rid of the old sofa and bringing in the old chair Paulused to sit in I could feel his presence around me.....Honestly! I felt like I'd turn around and there he'd be!  I'm doing a major reno on the room...I'm going to get a LazBoy chair, the sooner the better and then I'll return the chair to the lounge...I'm looking forward to getting the LazBoy so when I sit on it I can stretch my feet out and relax.  I have lots of people out scouting around for me; I told them I'd be willing to come up as far as $100; it's worth it to get a good quality one.  After that I want to purchase a new computer chair..this one is old and doesn't have much covering on the seat..if I sit too long I wind up nursing a SORE ass.  The apartment feels different even now; just think of how it's going to feel when I get it finished.  I'm so grateful I have this project to look ahead to!  I thank God for this; it will help me through some disappointing days!

A Better Day

Things are changing for me once again>>>>>switching from the stressful days of non sleep, crankiness, feeling as though I was going to die..the feelings were that strong....Anyway, I'm starting to sleep again at night, and I'm even getting up around 8AM...if this keeps up I want to start going to church again so I can feel closer to God and sing in the choir too.  I've missed out on so much by not getting up out of that bed till after 10 or 10:30.....Do you suppose my new meds might be working>  On the negative, frightening side I do find that my temper is coming back (after 4 years)  I can't seem to do the crossword puzzles and anagrams in the paper and I get SO frustrated that I start swearing like a sailor and ripping them up into a million pieces!  I'm getting awfully stupid these days..but be DAMNED if I'm giving up!!!  I love solving puzzles and I'm not going to allow myself to lose out on them.
Anyway, on to today.....Art & Ro took me on a lovely drive through Burtt's Corner where they visited their friends Pat & Juanita....we only stayed a little while and I sure loved being in a car again....taking in the scenery, feeling the wheels rolling underneath me.........when we returned to town we stopped for a feed of chicken..I found the prices rather expensive so I won't be ordering any more.....I can't be frugal that way!!!  I hope I get out on another drive or two; it's such a treat for me.....the only time I get out of the apartment is when I have to take the bus to the hospital for blood work, or walk most places that I have to go...or take the occasional taxi.  I sure miss Paul taking me out for all those drives.....we always had so much fun together then.  Ah well, maybe...MAYBE God will lead me to someone in my life who will take me out and help me keep my life interesting.  MAYBE.

Mental Health Day

It's difficult me for me to sit here and type ; I hurt my back by trying to move a chesterfield out of the apartment on my own last night....{men seem t disappear when there's a little bit of work to be done..so tat left it up to me.  The couch was heavy and bulky and I gave it my all out best; I did get it dragged across the floor but then it got stuck in the corner and there was no moving it.  I swore like a sailor and felt my blood pressure hit the ceiling.  If only I could borrow a couple of men for a few minutes.  Hmf.  Forget it.  The men here are useless.  I ant to get rid of the old couch ; it's old and the cushions are coming apart, and the poor old thing smells. Ideally I want to find a nice LaZBoy chair but for now I'll take what I can get.  Now I need to hunt down some men.
Mental Health Day,,,I want to share the story of Art's friend; the one he wants me to go out on a date with...Art told him Im bipolar and Ralph shot back that he doesn't want any lesbians.....he thought biPOLAR meant biSEXUAL.....wow...there's a lot of teaching needed to be done yet.  Wow.  I can't believe that people can be o stupid when it comes to mental illness!  We need to forge ahead and spread the word, bring mental illness out of the closet and into the light!  If we don't do it, who will?

W

Feeling cranky

Yes, you can call me old Cranky Pants today.  I'm tired from not getting my sleep; last night I only logged in one hour,
that was it; each night that goes by I'm losing more and more sleep.  I have insomnia, I know it.  I did so well with my sleeping for the last 4 years, now it's all going to hell in a hand basket.  I think the Tenazepam no longer works for me; I've been taking it for years and years and I think my body has developed an intolerance to it.  I'm going to have to call DR Hoyt and pray that she will give me something else.  If I don' t start sleeping soon I'll be in big problems.  I'm kind of down too, I wasn't a tfirst..I was up and around doing my chores, even the laundry!  I'm discouraged because the computer needs a Flash Drive to enable me to watch the videos I like to see.....I had a Flash Drive until yesterday; now they want to improve it and I haven't got two clues how to install the thing.  I knocked on Julian's door but he must be away.  Drats!  I NEED to have this installed.  I hate it when the computer decides to improve this  and that...all it does is make things tougher for us.  Ah well, he should be around tonight.
Well, my ass is sore so I'm done writing!

Frustrated

First of all I want to gripe about the computer......the Flash Player is gone thus
making it impossible to play and listen to the music videos that I enjoy so much.  I don't know how to install the new one; too complicated for me....I feel like chewing nails...I'll have to round up Julien tomorrow, and I hate to bother him so.  I feel like I'm using him..and if there's one thing I hate doing it's using people.  But it's the only way I can get that flash player restored,  Drats!
My day began with a rough start (no thanks to going to bed last night.....and the same thing's happening tonight)  I was talking like someone who had been in the hooch too long..no body could understand; my speech was extremely slurred and I felt horrible.  I knew I had to cancel Girl's  day.....I was so sick I couldn't handle it.  I as disappointed about that too and was able to catch a few nods on the couch.  Have to take whatever sleep whenever I can.  Nobody can survive without a good sleep.......every night......I think I'll give Dr Hoyt a call on Tuesday (tomorrow's a holiday)..I'm wondering if these sleep meds have worn out, lost their effectiveness (after all I've been taking them for many years)  Something has to be done.  I can't go on this way!

shopping

I've been extremely exhausted, beat the last few days because I'm not sleeping at night!  I've been staying up all night nearly all week..wide awake and on the go (as much as someone can be on the go when it's too dark to go outside)...I took a Temazepam last night and still stayed up until 4; this HAS to stop!  I feel just horrible all day and am unable to do much.  Have started taking my new meds (Abilify) and am hoping and praying they do the work that the Clozaril did without the side effects. Not that I'm getting my hopes up..I've been trying to lose weight since 1995 I think.....can't remember for sure..just that I was nice and trim until Dr Fab started trying me on all these different pills. It's been a difficult battle and thus far has gotten the best of me.  I really don't know what to expect from the Abilify.  I've had my hopes up too many times with watching what I eat, exercising, ect......all for nothing.  Anyway, the Clozaril was the best medication for keeping me on the straight and narrow (even to the point of being flat, even while preparing for Paul's funeral)..that's TOO level!  I prefer to be level but not flat.  I'm not Mr Spock and I don't want to act like him.....emotionless.  I may be suffering now but at least I'm feeling things.
This turned out to be a busy day for me.......Nancy wanted to go shopping and I was so damn tired that shopping was the last thing on my mind....ohhhhh...all I wanted to do was go to bed and have a good long sleep.  My heart wasn't in it, but I went as well as Rowena.  I bought very little for myself  but I did start some Christmas shopping, and we sat around and ate at McDonald's..that was the best part...sitting and gabbing.  I felt a little down but not overly so....I was just tired.  As soon as I got home I had a nice sleep on the couch but it wasn't enough...the telephone rang and it was Alice...she's planning to see me over my birthday which is this weekend......It will likely take a few days for me to regain my energy but I hope not too long!

Doctor

Here's my news for today; I had my session with my Psychiatrist....and...it went very well.better than I anticipated.! The original plan was that I wasn't going to let on to her about the troubles I've been having; I didn't want any more changes to my meds..the side effects are just too rough on me (and I've had them all at one time or another)..the worst one to me has been weight gain.....I 183 lbs now..when I started out at 123.....I've tried EVERYTHING..every trick in the book to lose the weight, all to no avail.  I hate myself for being so obese and ugly.....well, it wasn't long everything came spilling out..Dr Hoyt knows her stuff (how to milk a patient for information)  Actually I'm happy that it did reveal itself; it's too hard to hold on to something and not tell.....She's trying me on Abilify, and said if it works then she will take the Clozaril away...apparently this new medication doesn't cause weight gain at all...I checked the information that came with it and will run a quick computer check on it as well.  I know I promised myself that I wouldn't try any more meds but this one sounds promising...I don't know what it will do for the mood swings, but I hope to God I can drop some of these pounds......being over weight is drastically hard on the body. 
I found her very easy to talk to this time.....we had more than 15 minutes thanks to a client cancelling out....and Lord knows I really needed it...had so much to share..I wound up spilling everything...(all my manias and depressions that started this summer)  I hope the Abilify does a good enough job so I can lose the Clozaril.

Rough Day

I'm really tired now after stuffing myself with enough Rivotrils to help me make it through this day which was a terribly difficult one.  For most of the day I was soooo depressed and miserable that I didn't get off the couch; I just couldn't; the strain of the depression made it virtually impossible to move.I felt as though I were in a prison, locked in and forgotten even by my friends.  I welled up with sadness but was unable to cry...and crying was the release I so desperately needed....it hurts so bad when I can't shed any tears at all; it keeps gathering inside my soul until the one day comes that I CAN release it.  I felt that I was being abandoned by everyone; that it was because I was so down.  Most people don't know how to handle a person who is on the bottom....me included..all I can do is hug him and rub his back.....not much but I know it sure is comforting....Thinking of having to face Dr Hoyt tomorrow depressed me even further.....there won't be much accomplished in that session....how much can be done with a time limit of only 15 minutes?  I also had my plans shot down, which was to walk to the center but the weather is calling for rain, rain and more rain.....so I called Art & Rowena and they're going to drive me over....if I couldn't get them I was going to try for my worker and if I was unable to contact her then I was going to cancel.  I don't want her seeing me in a low state of mind....I really don't want any adjustments made to my meds.....it's because they make me too fat.....I'd sooner suffer these mood swings than be prescribed something that will blow me up like a balloon as many did.  I still don't weigh what I wish I did....maybe I never will.  I don't like pills or drugs...I would like to find the holistic approach to this.  Anyway..MOOD CHANGE...Rowena showed up to spend a couple hours with me (she had a cup o'Tim's for me too!)  I was under the impression that she was staying away because I was so depressed, but I was wrong! Thank God!  I cheered up very quickly and kept going into a high.....I took a couple of Rivotril to bring it down so I can sleep tonight!  I can't afford to stay up all night because I need to be ready to go to that appointment after lunch.  Get it out of the way.  I want to be positive when I go in there, talk about a few banalities and then get out.  You can't know a patient when you only see him for only 15 minutes at a shot only 3 or 4 months apart.  I don't know what I WOULD  do if something serious were to happen to me!!!!

Aggravated to the Max!!!!

Yes, I'm all wound up and in the mood to tackle a grizzly bear.....all because of  a stupid, idiotic DIFFICULT crossword puzzle I tried to do tonight...it's one of those hard, hard ones that they save out for the weekend....I know going in that it's going to be tough and I may not be able to finish it, but I've been graciously accepting the fact that I lack enough brain matter to see it all the way through.....tonight was different...and I mean DIFFERENT!!!!  I couldn't concede to defeat and as I hopelessly plowed on with it and getting no where I could feel the old pot start to boil....and boil....I still feel it even though I tore up the offending puzzle and took a run up and down the stairs (5 flights)..Oh I hate to admit that I'm so stupid that I can't finish a stupid cross word puzzle..Jeez...I'm not in a very good mood anyway...strangest damn thing hit me after I spent an  hour downstairs and was kind of on the hyper side.....then someone pulled the plug and I could feel every last bit of my happy mood drain away......only to be replaced with a low.  I tried everything I could to help me survive it; that's all I can do: survive.  Then I decided to do this last puzzle so I'd be caught up and there'd be no more papers hanging around.......I'm supposed to be fairly smart at solving puzzles, but these weekend ones really knock me off my throne.....I'm not used to feeling the Red Bull taking charge of my mood......the best way I could fix that was like I said, tear the paper into a million pieces and take the trip down and up the stairwell.....It's funny...my moods were too flat for the longest time.....I felt good but I also felt emotionless like Mr Spock on Star Trek.....I was like that all through Paul's death and the arrangements..people must have thought I was heartless..I sometimes wonder if I was.....Now I feel the loneliness and I mourn for him  NOW...but I should have shed some tears then.  I'd sooner take the mood swings and at least feel the appropriate emotions and feel alive than to have more drugs pumped into me and once again render me unfeeling and cold.  The only thing I'm really truly afraid of is the anger.....anger is so destructive, and I can't allow it to overtake me...and wind up with me getting into more trouble than I can handle.  I need to grab hold of it and not let these things get to me.  I think my pride gets in the way; I love to think I'm smart and can do these puzzles...when, really, they're so tough they're for the University crowd or Mensa scholars (and I'm a far cry from either one)  I always accepted it before and would say enough is enough and fold the paper and put it away.  I think my moods are all starting to return; have been since this summer....I even know when; I have them all charted on a special calendar...I started falling off the wagon in March.  But from my last admission in 2007 I was "perfect" {if being like Mr Spock is perfect}...I just have to really be careful with this and keep out of trouble....!!!!!  Dear God, can I do it???????

Girl's Day

Things have settled down for the night and I'm so tired I can hardly breathe..that's because I took a trip up all five flights of stairs. and I'm huffing and puffing like an old freight train...I'm honestly doing it because Rowena takes the stairs now and it inspired me to....I can't say whether or not any weight will be lost along the way....would really cheer me if I could drop some pounds!  Anyway I had a full day with Nancy and Rowena...how I love to have them come and spend the day!  They're the only two who really accept me and love me for what I am..I don't have to try to "put on airs" around them as I have to out in public.  I don't feel comfortable disclosing my illness when I'm out with strangers..most would ridicule me and simply not understand.  So many are blinded when it comes to seeing a mental illness for what it is   (and sometimes it's damned hard for me to keep the illness under control)...I can't think of much else to record, just the fact that I'm feeling very well tonight, relaxed and satisfied with my world. I am Thankful for all that God has chosen to bless me with!

Feelin' Low

This isn't a very good night for me......my mood is dropping into low (my payment for (enjoying?) the spell of mania I had earlier this week...I knew this was going to come, it always does..but it doesn't make it any easier for me...also I'm missing Paul something terrible......not the way he was when he was sick, but the Paul I loved out in Harvey....moving him in from the country didn't do him any favours....he was unhappy here,I know it.  A man needs a yard to putter around in..work on his cars, the gardens, ect....I blame myself and my illness for not being able to stay in Harvey.  As far as that goes I miss the puttering and yard work too....the house; I loved my house....I miss little Buddy and the cats (Maxx and Henry)....all of it, but I was just plain getting TOO sick due to the isolation (I guess)..and all the strife we were going through with the people there..knowing now what I should have known then I don't blame the people any more...Paul's personality was changing even then due to that aneurysm in his brain.  Rowena didn't make it up tonight because she's having a LOT of pain from arthritis...I think she has fibromialgia because the pain is everywhere as arthritis is more localised.  I feel sad that she has to suffer like that; she's such a sprightly, positive little person and an inspiration to me.  I think I'm relying on her too much for companionship, though.  It's because she keeps the loneliness at bay.  I'm being hit full blast tonight...depression is moving in, I miss Paul so much it hurts.....I miss going out singing with him.....travelling.....I need human contact but I sure won't get it at this hour.  I could phone the crisis line but this isn't a crisis.....I'm not suicidal, just sad.......low.  This illness is getting so much more difficult to cope with......I was perfectly level for 2 or 3 years..can't remember exactly.....my fault for not keeping any journals for a time.  Now I'm swinging like Tarzan and the only reason I can think of is that my medications need to be adjusted.  And that I definitely don't want.  Dr Hoyt hardly knows me and so that leaves a lot of room for error.....I went through that with Dr Fab..he tried me on just about everything....he played "medication roulette" with me and I suffered for it.  Dr Shahid was more steady at the helm, trying only a few meds like Seroquel, which worked but it caused me to put on quite a bit of weight.  He knew me so well he could tell exactly where I was just by looking at me.  (he was also the one who talked me into having the ECT treatments..not so good)....I can handle this but it hurts.  It's the loneliness that is hitting me the hardest.  I'd love to be dating and having some fun but there's not much chance of me ever meeting anyone 'cause I don't go to where the guys are.  I figure if it's meant for me to find someone then it will be so.  Just like Paul was brought into my life by a series of co incidences..we were meant to be.  Maybe if I go to bed and have a good sleep I'll wake up in the morning bright and cheery once again.

Recuperating

Starting to feel more like myself after two days of mania...yesterday I was just plain exhausted from all that hyper activity...slept in till nearly noon, then relaxed as much as possible on the ole couch....most of that time was spent sleeping...I'm not in shape to handle mania any more....poor body trying to keep up with the racing thoughts and ideas..being pulled along anyway....Ohhhhhhh...so today was much much better; I'm sitting at the middle of the scale; winding down, sticking my nose in a good book, generally inactive...that's what I needed right now..rest and relaxation.  Rowena was in this afternoon and she told me she could tell that I was HIGH those days (and nights) and was worried that I'd get "stuck" in that state and have to go back to the hospital......but, no, I eventually came back to earth....One thing I love about mania is that I get SO MUCH done!!!  I wish I could save some of that energy for my regular days so that I could be more productive......to be energetic without the high wired,
pressurised antics of mania!

I'm not in the  best of moods right now; something seems to be going wrong with the computer (of all things!)  I can't seem to sign in to Facebook or Hotmail with my usual passwords...this has been occurring for at least three days!  I find it extremely frustrating; there's no reason why this should even be happening!!!  Grrrr!  When a computer decides to act up there's not one damn thing you can do about it!!!!
Anyway, I'm tired to the bone today; got hit by mania that lasted two days....I did get a lot of things done but it's tough for my body to keep up when my mind races..wow...I still walked to the center to play bingo but I think I should have stayed home...I felt terrible....then the walk back home was almost impossible.....I didn't think I would make it..I didn't even stop at Tim's for coffee..too tired..too exhausted...ohhh.....I can't recover from mania as quickly as I used to.  I loved the feeling of being high and seeing the results.....I got a nice bookcase from downstairs..it needed a paint job so sure enough I took brush in hand and went at it!  If it weren't for these manic spells I wouldn't get anything like that done...so they're worth the drain on my body! 

Kind of Nervous Feeling

I haven't posted anything for a couple of days so I thought I should get around to it tonight, even if it isn't very much of substance.  My activity level was low with the major activity of the day  being taking a trip to Sobey's to load up on some great sales. I  have absolutely NO motivation when I'm alone..much as I wish to God I had more......being unable to push myself out the door is keeping me prisoner in my apartment.......and we all know what THAT will do to me.....I'm just great when Rowena or someone else shows up to spur me along..but it really bothers me that I have such a tough time moving on my own.  I'm missing Paul tonight too something terrible...wish he hadn't gotten sick and died on me.he was my crutch...always had me going. He was always there when I needed him. I love my independence but there's times I can't help but feel lonely.  I'd love to meet someone new but I'm afraid I'm too old now.....56 would seem terribly ancient to anyone under 50....so I'm resigning myself to living out the rest of my life on my own......sad..I need to find someone to love......I'm also worried about the sleep walking that I started doing in the last couple of weeks.....the first two nights saw me turning up the heat in the bedroom (which I always keep cold)...I .awoke to a hot room and I could feel the heat radiating  from the register!!  I got up and turned the thermostat back off, and then the same thing happened the following night...I got smart and covered the thermostat with duct tape figuring that would outsmart me....It seems to have so far but the next thing I pulled was to unplug ALL the appliances in the bedroom (clock, radio,fan, etc)  Don't know how to outsmart that one.....I used to sleep walk a lot years ago but thank God Paul was still with me and he usually caught me before I did anything too bad......makes me afraid to go to sleep.....I suppose I'll have to bring this up with Dr Hoyt; I have an appointment with her Oct 5......I'll have to make sure to write everything down 'cause the session only lasts 15 minutes..not very long.  I find I'm getting impatient with people when I'm in a long line up (I was never like that..line ups didn't bother me especially if I found someone to talk to)  and I'm SO JEALOUS of people who aren't fat like me....I don't like to hear of them succeeding at Weight Watchers or Curves or any of them ..it's because my pills have sabotaged my efforts....nothing is working....NOTHING.....if I had the guts I'd stop taking the Clozaril; I know it's the culprit.....this really discourages me in a big way.  A BIG way, get it????  I have no self esteem left at all....I'm ugly, fat and OLD.  I really don't have anything to hope for in the days ahead, just wondering when I'm going to die.  I truly wish things would change for me but I honestly can't foresee it.  And on that note........so long.

Significant Step

I'm so tired I can hardly see the keyboard without straining but I want to share the positive aspects of this day!  After weeks of staying very close to home; only venturing out to pick up my groceries and run errands,,,,,,,and attend the musical concerts on the greens with Rowena (I'd have never taken the initiative in my own)..today I finally summoned up some courage and determination and walked to the activity center where Bingo was scheduled for today!  I love Bingo as a rule but earlier this summer when my moods were fluctuating pretty strongly I decided not to go.  I had lost interest in it and didn't feel up to socialising either...so just like THAT I stopped going.  Well, today I made up my mind to take a huge step and go; it meant walking across town (which poses no problem for me because I love to walk)..I've been told that the longer one stays away from something the more difficult it is to return)  I have to say a more true thing has ever been said; it took me weeks to drum up enough courage to even think of going back.  Anyway, I'm really proud of myself; my day was wonderful, spending time with my friends and acquaintances, getting back into the swing of things!  I even won two very nice prizes for my efforts.  I need to keep my resolution up and not allow myself to drift away from these activities.  I don't deserve to become prisoner to my apartment; life is to be lived!  I watched Dancing with the Stars tonight and one of the dancers had gone through  afire; his face was badly deformed and one of his ears was missing....INSTEAD OF COWERING AND HIDING SOMEWHERE there he was dancing in front of at least a million viewers....!  He totally INSPIRED me......wow....I was floored when I saw him......he may not be the final winner but boy, he's a winner to me......Now if he, being so deformed can get out and dance like that then what am I capable of?  I have all my facilities, can get around, am not handicapped in any way....what am I capable of doing?  This man has left a lasting impression on me and I'm going to follow his brave lead and try to better  myself any way I can.  He's a HERO and I wish him the best of luck in everything he does.  God bless him.

Errands

Each and every month there comes the one day that I have to run around town and catch up on my errands!  I stopped at my bank and got my Rogers bill paid up and then I continued on to the library with Rowena, bought a book from the resale bin, and of course stopped at Tim Horton's for my coffee fix!  I'm very fortunate in the fact that the Rogers bill is the only one I have to pay (after rent, groceries, etc)  I live in a low rental building and so the utilities are all included in my rent...makes life so much easier....I still have to watch the dollars so I don't find myself broke by the end of the month.  Living here is a good place for me.  I love my apartment and the fact that it is located centrally which enables me to pretty well travel around the city using the buses and also walking.  Occasionally I need to call upon a taxi but that's only if the weather is really nasty (rain, snow, ice cold wind)..yes, I have a great life here and I hope things continue to be positive for me for many many years yet.  I never take any of it for granted....instead I am extremely grateful for my situation.

Great Music

The highlight of today was the Harvest Jazz and Blues concerts that Rowena and I were very fortunate to be able to attend...the weather was perfect, sunny with a nice fall wind..thank God it wasn't rained out!  This festival started Thursday and many top-name jazz and blues groups were brought in.....they played under the big top tent and people were charged admission to see them.  Others were set up in front of King's Place, on the greens and other outdoor venues....the whole affair was a SUCCESS!  I was so happy to be able to see the concerts on the greens and take in the great music!  I'm not normally a follower of that music genre but I sure am when I attend the concerts and see them in person!  Sadly, this marks the end of the open air concerts; now we have to wait till spring until next year's lineup is revealed.
I'm in my third day of feeling very good without any depressive spells!  I'm trying to make the most of these days by being as productive as I can and taking the opportunity to get out of the apartment.  I know this doesn't last forever so I really try hard not to waste these days.  I was thinking strongly of asking Dr Hoyt to increase my Wellbutrin but I don't think that's the answer.  It would be if I were locked into depression and unable to come out.  I don't want any changes made in my meds; I'm already having to put up with side effects.....especially weight gain.  I feel so discouraged and angry too...nothing seems to want to help me slim down..exercise, watching my diet, ...nothing.  I often think seriously of not taking any more meds since I'm still swinging...but I don't dare stop them.  They have me hooked on them now..just like a dope addict.  I often wish with all my heart that I hadn't gone for help in the first place..but that's foolish thinking too.....I doubt if I'd still be alive if I hadn't sought the help.  Still..stubbornly I wish WISH I could find a way to lose the weight!

one tiring day

I just had to go and stay up all night ...couldn't sleep even after taking a sleeping pill...I was so wide awake I went to work in the apartment and rearranged the furniture in the living room, also scrubbed and cleaned...then I spent time on the computer, watched TV, read..nothing would tire me out......I wasn't manic, honest!  I just couldn't sleep!  I did make it to bed around 6AM; I knew I had to get some sleep because I had a busy day planned.  Two of my friends and I had it planned to go to the Walmart for a day of shopping...oh dear, I didn't wake up until close to 11AM and I could have sworn I had one too many last night......I was stumbling all over myself and my speech was extremely slurred...energy output>>> zilch.....I certainly didn't feel up to shopping and would have been very happy if Nancy had called to cancel.  No way.  Off we went straight for the Walmart and I KNOW the other shoppers mistook me for a drunk or a druggie.as I was tripping and falling over my shopping cart and "driving" erratically up and down the aisles...I was so embarrassed and really wanted to be anywhere than there!  I picked up a few items but my heart wasn't in it....I was exhausted..beat...  It's a wonder I wasn't politely escorted out of the store by two burly security men...(Ha Ha)  Later in the day my energy did return and then I had a wonderful time with my friends.  We even splurged and had dinner at the Golden Arches....yup, McDonald's!  We sat there for the longest time just gabbing and watching the other customers coming and going.....sometimes we run into someone we know.  We usually get out on these trips once a week and most times it's something to look forward to.  Last time we went I lost control of the purse strings and spent way way too much and I was so disappointed in myself, but today I did very well...superb control!  Except for my being sooooo tired, this was a great day!!!!

Dissertation on anger

It's nearly midnight (the witching hour) and here I sit with the computer and a relaxation CD keeping the background.  I love those CDs; they've sure been a tremendous help to me all the while I've been trying to cope with the downside of being bipolar.  I do receive my share of manias and all the carnage that they leave behind.....anger..better recognised as RAGE is one of the most destructive effects of mania that I can think of.  I was well known for my unholy rages (often provoked by non understanding husband) that would end up with my destroying so many many things..it didn't matter what was at hand, I'd throw (hurl) it and have the satisfaction of seeing the broken pieces lying on the floor!  I recall heaving things out the window too, some never to be recovered.....Paul knew how to push my buttons and push them he did....I honestly think he got his jollies from triggering me like that and then telling my psychiatrist how nasty I was to him....(sounds like a case of wanting self pity)...I tried my best to be a good wife to him but it was almost impossible with all the moods swinging I was enduring.He would taunt and criticise me to the point that I was literally seeing red and often times he lost shirts because I would leap at him and tear them off in strips! Not to mention the various things that were whipped at him like (pots and pans, dishes, boots, etc)  It strikes me funny now when I think of it but it sure wasn't funny at the time.  He could be a decent husband if he wanted but he had his times, especially at the end when he developed an aneurysm in his brain and his personality changed completely....and not for the better....he was getting in trouble with the law and because of his terrible hateful attitude succeeded in getting us banned from various public places..it created immense soul breaking pressure on me....I have enough trouble keeping my own head out of water.....trying to cope with him (and not knowing exactly what was wrong with him) was quickly taking me to the breaking point.....I didn't have two clues what the problem was; I just figured he was developing schizophrenia or something because he was paranoid of practically everything and talking irrationally....I remember he developed a fear of helicopters believing they were coming to take him to the hospital to dissect him and take out all his organs for donation.  No matter how often I tried to comfort him and tell him he was safe the irrational fear was still there....even to the point of having Donor removed from his health card.  There's so much I could go into here but I won't..most of it brings negative memories to the foreground......at least he died in peace,, having gone into a coma and passing a week later.  I wasn't with him when he died and I'll always feel bad about that.  I am grateful, however that I was an inpatient on the psych floor when the news came in about him being taken to the hospital in Saint John after taking a fall in the apartment (he went into the coma then)..If I'd have been home I'd have never been able to cope..knowing me I'd have gone into a state of hysterical panic and not known what to do......I was on the psych floor due to the stress I was facing with Paul..just simply not knowing where to turn and in  bad need of some respite....thankfully the hospital provided me a week at least.  He passed after I was home a few days, and the funny thing was that I kept a clear head and was able to arrange most of the funeral and immediately pick up the pieces and move on with my life.  I don't know why I was so calm and collected through that period when what I really wanted to do was cry and cry and cry some more....after all he was my husband since 1981 and we had many many wonderful times together..it wasn't all bad..most of it comprised of happy years.  I think I was drugged to the eyeballs which cheated me of my need to mourn him in those early days.  Now I'm making up for it.  On the days when nobody comes to spend time with me I find my need for him is really overwhelming and I do cry.  My heart feels so heavy and I wish he were still here with me.  I'm all right as long as my friends stop in and spend quality time with me....man or woman, it doesn't matter.  I need companionship, nothing else at this time. Eventually I'll want to start dating but not just yet.
As for my anger, rage, it seems to be gone.  I think it died with Paul, and that's been a year and a half....I seem to have mellowed out and nothing bothers me much now.  I know Paul was to blame for a lot of the rage I let loose, but other things did too....I was extremely volatile, (when manic) changing in a flash from mania to rage.....I drove away many wonderful friends with my foul, shouting mouth, and literally throwing them out of my house.....now I treat my valued friends like gold, having learned the hard way how to lose them.  I feel a sense of loss when I think of the beautiful friendships I had only to destroy them in just a few minutes with my razor sharp temper.  I don't live in my old town anymore; I'm living in the city now and have made some friends I love more than anything.....never ever have I risen my voice to them or shown any rage.  I think maybe the ECT treatments I had (around 25 give or take) and the new medication (clozaril) may have helped in this area too.....God knows I hope so.  If I do run into any more problems with my illness it certainly won't include mindless anger.  I'm a changed person and (bipolar or not) I hope it continues that way.

Loneliness

The theme for this day was severe loneliness; the kind that makes me feel as though I don't exist here on Planet Earth or elsewhere in this universe.  Ro was gone for the day with Art and so I had no one to talk and laugh with and keep my baser feelings at bay.  I tried to force myself to get up and do various things such as walking over to Sobey's for milk and a package of sliced sandwich ham.  I felt extremely nervous while I was gathering my things but once I got outside I felt so much better.  I was okay then and was able to complete my shopping. (And I was proud of myself too!*)  I have a difficult time when I'm up here in this apartment alone....negative feelings kick in and overtake me.  I do love my apartment but I sure don't want to allow it to become my prison.  I HAVE to fight all these low moods, not allow them to take over my life.  I have enough trouble motivating myself on my own...but I'll go if someone else suggests it to me.....Thank God for that at least!  Half the battle won!  I was so happy when Ro phoned tonight....got myself off the couch (where I had been all day except when I had to go for the groceries and money out of the ATM machine)..I have to go up to the hospital for my monthly bloodwork tomorrow and I need money for bus fare, a lunch afterwards and possibly a taxi down....rain is called for in the forecast....but if it isn't raining after I'm done there I'm walking.  $8.00 taxi fare is too much, especially for someone who has to pinch every penny.  I don't have Paul here any more so I have to rely on myself to keep the budget going!

Sept 12.........Funeral

This was a sad morning for me; I attended Barb Taylor's funeral, and first thing I saw was an open casket with her lying in it.  Made me uncomfortable..it isn't as if I'd never seen an open casket funeral before.  I thought of her doing all the things around the building such as working jigsaws, sitting reading or knitting.  She was a private person but always had a smile and a quick "hello" whenever one spoke to her.  She was a sweet, gentle person, never hurt anyone, ever.  Then she had to be stricken by cancer and after fighting bravely for a few months she could fight no more.  Nobody can fight cancer; it's a death sentence.  I know there's a few like Mom and others who DID manage to beat it......but did they, really?  Cancer usually comes back and then it's the end of the line.  I WISH our lives didn't have to end up with death!  What are we here for if it all ends up with death?  Seems hardly worth it to try to live a decent life.  I don't want to die but my time's coming just as it is for every single living person on this planet. You see babies born ...and they too have nothing to look ahead to except death...where's the fairness in this picture?  I wish I hadn't been born at all, then I wouldn't have to face death.Such a waste of LIFE.

Sept 11, 2011 (feeling down)

I'm not feeling like myself tonight.....am very nervous and leaning towards LOW...I seem to be getting more lows than highs so when I see Dr Hoyt next month I'm going to ask her for an increase in my Wellbutrin.  Don't know how long I can stand this.  I'm not even getting out of this apartment much which isn't helping my cause any.  It's been ages since I was last down to the sitting room to gab with the ladies..it's a wonder I made it to the FREX with Art & Rowena on Monday and two concerts on the green (the last ones for the seasons)..well maybe I'm not doing so badly in that department......I'm OK if someone else takes the initiative.  I can't move when I'm relying on myself.  I was restless all day and wanted to go for a walk but it was impossible to dislodge myself.  I am so disappointed.  I even tried to give Sharon the heads-up on Thursday but she didn't catch it.  The workers have such a huge caseload now that it's all they can do to see us once in a while. 
I haven't seen Rowena since Friday; I can't help thinking that maybe she's tired of hanging out with me (especially since she's seeing more signs of my illness); they have a car now, too, and are driving all over the place.....so.....it leaves me forgotten and in the junk pile.  It's bothering me more than it should...everything's bothering me these days and I hate it.  I'm tired of being so alone and I miss Paul terribly...being alone is okay but not on a steady basis.  Having Rowena (and Nancy) around has been chasing  the loneliness away...it's so difficult to cope with on my own.  Certainly isn't helping me with the illness either.  I'm so damn fat and ugly that I'll never find a companion; someone to hang out with, take me out, that sort of thing.....I have no interest in marriage.  Never again.  People change after they get that ring on your finger.  All married couples do is argue and try to rule the other...husbands want and wives say NO NO NO!  I just want a companion, if God sees fit.  If He doesn't then I'll just have to do without.  Life is so short..all I want to do is LIVE it in any way I can!

Saturday Afternoon

OK here I am, sitting in front of the ole computer and formulating some thoughts and ideas for today.  Fortunately this was a good day, helped mostly by Nancy coming and spending the whole day as she does every Saturday.  No Rowena, though; she had a lot to do on her own.......she and Art travelled to Burtt's Corner to dig into a delicious array of food at a picnic held by their church group.  Then when they returned home she called to say they'd be attending the FREX ; that was fine; Nancy and I got along just fine without her.  I would have loved to have gone to the FREX with them but I had a guest and my guests are more important than going out.!         

Winding down

Well, I had a really great evening tonight....didn't have to spend it alone.  Rowena and I watched crime shows on TV (CSI, Flashpoint {which is one of my favourites} and Blue Bloods)  she has such a crush on Tom Sellick....she makes me laugh the way she goes on about  him!  My absolute favourite can't miss show is "House"; I just love it..he's so crusty and bad tempered
, quite the character.  Fortunately I don't have to spend too many nights alone, thanks to Rowena.....I do, however spend pretty well all my days alone and that's when I run into trouble with my illness.  Mood swings.I try to occupy myself with walking and spending some time at the store but many days I just can't seem to lift myself out of my chair...going out is a real challenge then and I mostly wind up wasting my time inside.  I hate that.  I know life is short and is to be enjoyed, to shoot for my potential, but I can't seem to find the ability to do anything,not even volunteer work.  I hate myself when I waste these precious days.  Bipolar or not there's no need for it.  I want to live all the way, to find my potential, my gift, and use it to help make this world a better place.

Beginning my Blogging Journey

For more years than I care to count I've been keeping extensive journals which were invaluable in charting the course of my illness (bipolar disorder) and then going and throwing them all out!!!!  Blogging was suggested to me, and as long as my computer holds up I should be able to keep these writings and be able to refer to them when needed.  I plan to drop in every day and jot a few lines about whatever is on my mind at that time.
For the past few weeks I've been fighting mood swings again after being perfectly level since my last hospital stay in 2007; it felt great being "happy" all the time but it was also inappropriate at times such as when my husband passed away; I felt as though my emotions were frozen. I didn't like that aspect at all.  Still, I forged on taking my meds properly each day; it was far better feeling great all the time than allowing myself to sink into depression.  Anyway, 3 months ago (I chart my moods daily.tremendous help) I started to swing..not so bad at first but as each period of swinging struck it was with more intensity and power.  Now I'm reverting back to how I was before going to the hospital.  The changes that attack me are almost too hard to bear......and I think I've driven (or am driving) one of my very best friends away, and that hurts.  Here's the dilemma:  I don't want my meds increased because I've already gained more weight than I cared to already from taking those meds; I can't chance putting on more pounds!  Secondly I DON'T want to return to hospital because the first thing they would do to me is force me to have ECT (shock treatments)..I had enough of those to last a lifetime and believe me, I'm terrified of them!!!!!  So I need to work out my problems here at home; I do have lots of Rivotril around to take when the going gets too hard.  The main issue is that I pray I don't start acting up and driving even more people away....I lost many friends, good friends over the years because of this wretched illness.  I have my own apartment, my independence (which I treasure) and I can't allow this illness to wreck all that.....if I can get my Psychiatrist to increase my Wellbutrin (anti depressant) that would be fine; it doesn't cause weight gain.  The others (Clozaril, Lithium) do.  My appointment with her is in October.  She doesn't really know me 'cause she's new ( I only had her for 2 sessions).  I hate that.  Changing doctors after having them for years and a great relationship is developed; then they wrench them away and you're left to start over which is difficult for me.  I'm kind of depressed today, not too much that I can't handle, and I'd rate my mood at maybe a -2.