Sept 11, 2011 (feeling down)

I'm not feeling like myself tonight.....am very nervous and leaning towards LOW...I seem to be getting more lows than highs so when I see Dr Hoyt next month I'm going to ask her for an increase in my Wellbutrin.  Don't know how long I can stand this.  I'm not even getting out of this apartment much which isn't helping my cause any.  It's been ages since I was last down to the sitting room to gab with the ladies..it's a wonder I made it to the FREX with Art & Rowena on Monday and two concerts on the green (the last ones for the seasons)..well maybe I'm not doing so badly in that department......I'm OK if someone else takes the initiative.  I can't move when I'm relying on myself.  I was restless all day and wanted to go for a walk but it was impossible to dislodge myself.  I am so disappointed.  I even tried to give Sharon the heads-up on Thursday but she didn't catch it.  The workers have such a huge caseload now that it's all they can do to see us once in a while. 
I haven't seen Rowena since Friday; I can't help thinking that maybe she's tired of hanging out with me (especially since she's seeing more signs of my illness); they have a car now, too, and are driving all over the place.....so.....it leaves me forgotten and in the junk pile.  It's bothering me more than it should...everything's bothering me these days and I hate it.  I'm tired of being so alone and I miss Paul terribly...being alone is okay but not on a steady basis.  Having Rowena (and Nancy) around has been chasing  the loneliness away...it's so difficult to cope with on my own.  Certainly isn't helping me with the illness either.  I'm so damn fat and ugly that I'll never find a companion; someone to hang out with, take me out, that sort of thing.....I have no interest in marriage.  Never again.  People change after they get that ring on your finger.  All married couples do is argue and try to rule the other...husbands want and wives say NO NO NO!  I just want a companion, if God sees fit.  If He doesn't then I'll just have to do without.  Life is so short..all I want to do is LIVE it in any way I can!