16 May

Haven't posted for a while but that's the way I want it; I don't like trying to write on days in which nothing much is happening...gets rather repetitive.  Anyway, Donnie is still a major part of my life and that's great..and not so great.  I've gone and crossed over the line between friendship into completely  falling  for him....oh Lord....I promised myself after Paul died that I'd never open my heart up to anyone ever again....I always acted so stupid when I was first in love with him....now I have to watch out for it happening again.....Last night he was a bit late calling and I had myself all worked up and headed into a down.....stupid, stupid, stupid!  I vowed there would be no more histrionic antics no matter what!  The wonderful thing about it is that I was able to talk myself up and out of it....and by then he had called....I can be such an idiot!  I don't mind loving him but without the foolishness......I want to live and let live as I have since living on my own.....I do have a fear that he'll eventually [down the road] drop me like he did Natalie...but for now I'll live a day at a time and not project into the future [not good]...if he does drop me then I'll suck it up, go through the depression and then go on.  But for now TODAY I'm so in love with him I'm grinning all the time....people here are telling me how much  better I look now....I suppose I do if I'm sporting a huge smile when they see me!  This sure beats depression or even neutrality!  This gives me something to look forward and to savor AND I DO MEAN SAVOR when I'm with him.  It still amazes me that he would go out with me when there's so many other ladies he could have......whatever it is I pray I don't lose it.......I want to stay with him as long as I can or God lets me.......we aren't spring chickens any more so every moment counts......Have to remember to catch the bus and go up to the hospital for my monthly blood work......I can't go forgetting it....I hope it isn't raining then so I can walk home and save my travelling money......well, tomorrow's another day!!!!!

Feeling a little blue

I can't seem to get my mind working enough to write anything tonight but I'm going to because I have thoughts that I need to get out........and no, I haven't been dumped by Donnie.....nothing like that......YET...(in fact I wonder what the hell he even sees in me....maybe a good source for a piece of tail....I look good in the darkness..)  It didn't help that Rowena called today.....I miss her so bad it hurts.....Apparently she's coming home Monday..she and Art will be flying...they need to get all their stuff packed up and moved...accounts transferred..etc...ect...they plan to stay a little while; until all their business is seen to....could be a while....hopefully I'll get to spend lots of time with Rowena before she leaves for good.  I so hate the thought of her going and it hurts....we did so much together and now it seems as if a knife has been driven into my heart...I NEVER thought she'd leave us.....goes to show...a person can't predict life..life is like an ocean....the tide brings things in and the tide takes things out....that's how life goes.....I'm losing Rowena but for now I have Donnie, and I still have Nancy.....dear Nancy; she and I have been best friends since 1994 when I first started going to the centre....this is why I treasure the times I spend with my loved ones.....I could lose any of them at any moment....that's life.....could change at any time......I will definitely miss Rowena once she's gone...we were starting to do some interesting and fun things..all of us....she, Nancy and I...oh well....maybe some other things will open up for me.....one never knows!  I wish I weren't so damn ugly and fat.....it does very little for my self esteem (what little I do have)......what the hell does Donnie see in me other than someone to ride.....I know he cares but WHY?  why would ANYONE care about a piece of trash like me?

Blogging again

This is weird, I tried to access the site different ties and couldn't....I think a lot of it was due to my mind not thinking clearly...I hate it when my mind isn't working as it should...it can also get me into a lot of trouble if I'm not careful...Thankfully, my life is running along smoothly......if not happily.....Donnie and I are still an item...this weekend will make it two months.....hard to believe, isn't it?  I honestly didn't think I'd ever find someone..goes to show, no one can tell how life is going to go.......sometimes we can get a wonderful surprise.....this makes up for all the hell I went through with this illness and all the shit I had to endure in order to level my moods and give me a taste of what normality is like...my sex life has even come back!  I remember shutting Paul off in 2005....poor man...I had no reason other than being repulsed by him....I know I didn't love him for a long time but I sure tried.....now I'm making up for lost time I guess....plus I need the closeness.....yes, life is sure funny......I had some trouble with my moods back at the beginning and I was scared that I was getting sick again...but I was told it's completely normal to feel like that when you find  someone to date and love, whatever....LOVE is a strong word.....I like Donnie a whole lot....a WHOLE lot but time will turn it to love.....I want to know he loves me too before I "commit"..not commit as to getting married, but as in opening that last lock I have on my heart...the one I put there to protect myself from getting hurt (and sick) again....it's been there for many years.....I am not planning to EVER marry; I can't live with anyone, too unpredictable.......and once a man marries you he somehow becomes lord and master and you have to do everything he wants OR ELSE!!!!  some parts of marriage are okay but I choose to remain single and live my life the way I want.....selfish? maybe, but I just can't take the chance.....besides, Donnie went through two divorces himself so what is HE like to live with????  I prefer to date him and overlook his faults....we all have them...I have plenty myself....so we should take the best and leave the rest (if it isn't hurting anything)..anyway it sure feels great to go out and have a man on my arm....we've been walking the train bridge the last three weeks.....now that warmer weather is here we choose to walk rather than go to the legion..I LOVE walking, getting out in the fresh air and exercising.....we spend time at Tim Horton's too OF COURSE....even got out driving last Sunday despite the pouring rain...I love our drives.....conversation seems to come easier when we're driving along in the car....   my moods are level now (except maybe when we're being close and snuggly..) but that's DEFINITELY normal.....One concern:  I have an appointment with Dr Digby this Wednesday....they found an elevated level of creatna in my regular blood work...creatna  is produced by the kidneys so it's making me wonder....I had to go back last week for more blood work and also produce pee in a bottle.....I'm hoping and praying it's nothing serious......I have lots of good living ahead of me!!!!!

rough week

This week was spent in bed so sick with the flu I could only get up to go to the bathroom.....and I had so many hard coughing spells they caused me to pee my pants (many times)..it was just awful..God I was sick!  Anyway Donnie stepped up to the plate and drove me down to Oromocto where the wait for ER services wouldn't take as long as it does at the DECH..there were times when Paul and I waited more than 8 hours to be seen and gave up....so I was seen right away and the doctor prescribed me on two puffers..one to take twice a day and the other one to take whenever I start coughing...I'm hardly coughing at all now and I just couldn't thank Donnie enough for going above the line of friendship and doing that for me.....I was soooo sick I thought I was going to die....but NOW I feel like a new person.....Made it to the dance last night and had a really good time..I thought I wouldn't be doing any dances but I did...after a while or so we left and he took me to the Tim Horton's on the Woodstock Road (it's open all night)...oh this is all spoiling me....wow...I love it!  I think Donnie is a wonderful man...would be great if I don't lose him!!!!!!!!!!!

Things are looking good

I'm bone tired but I want to talk a little bit about the past few days; they were GOOD ones! First of all we DID go to the dance at the Legion (we being Donnie and I), and we danced the whole time....I loved it when we waltzed cause it gave us a chance to do some serious hugging....it's been SO long since I had a hug; it felt sooo good I hated to see it come to an end.  I love to be held; makes me feel like I matter even if it is only for a few minutes....anyway, Art and Ro came tot he dance too so along with Donnie I had someone else to talk to!  It was a really good night!  a special night, one I'll think of for a long time to come!
Saturday was "slow", not much happening, but then Sunday out of the blue I got a call from Donnie asking me if I'd like to go for a drive......you bet I would!!!  How long has it been since I've been out on a nice drive???  You won't believe this but he took me all the way to St Andrew's where we walked and talked along the edge of the sea.....we both love the sea, so that's something we have in common, along with liking to hear the older country music ....and more.....actually we're quite compatible..I could very easily fall for this man.....he's a true gentleman (at least he is to me)..I know he has skeletons in his closet, well, so do I..no one's perfect....Besides I'm not looking for someone to marry or even live together with....I'm getting what I want right now.....a trusted companion who can give me the little extras that the girls can't.....If he stops seeing me right now that will be okay too....that's how I survive now and keep my sanity, keep the illness at bay is to live for the moment....the here and now....yesterday's over, and tomorrow hasn't come, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.....So, yes, I 'm immersing myself  in the here and now....living, laughing, and loving!!!!!  I don't want to borrow problems from tomorrow or down the road.  I'm alive RIGHT NOW and I treasure it.
Had Ro and Nancy in Saturday and we had so much fun (as always)..I cooked up a nice clam chowder, took a bowlful over to Julian....there's someone I really care for and wish we could go out someplace and just talk (he's my computer man; has been since we moved here and I like him.....he's awesome!  Too bad he's such a loner, though.  Anyway Saturday went really well as it always does.
Today was bright and sunny and...WARM.....so I rounded up Ro and we walked to the Dollar Store, bought a few things (no impulse shopping for me, thank God....I had everything listed and it was stuff I needed..my total came to a little above $5)  I bought a notebok for my journal, some hair pins and a bag of elastics......big wow!!!  I have to be very careful with my money cause there's no one else to help me with it.....I'm on my own here (which I LOVE) and need to account for every penny...I know...I don't care for CHEAP people but now I understand..my  budget is very limited therefore it has to be guarded!!!!!  However I wasn't too cheap to have a Tim's with Ro before coming home!!!   I'm NEVER too cheap for Tim's!!!!!!

PHONE EAR

WOW, my ear has gone numb.so many phone calls....and all lengthly ....first one was Brian Giggey from the center; he's good for an hour, then Rowena called....there' another hour..and I hardly  had time to put the phone down when Donnie called, and he's long winded too.....it all adds up and the poor ear pays the price!  I don't usually get so many LONG phone calls all at once; tonight was an exception.  I'm glad that Donnie is still interested in being my friend; I hope he will take me out places so I can see more of life outside this apartment!  I'm hoping that we can make it to the Legion Friday night; I'm in the mood to kick up my heels and have a good time!!!!!!  Have to go up for blood work tomorrow......gives me a trip on the bus, and after the blood work is done I love to go to the little deli and order some banana bread and hot chocolate.......a little something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!

Date with Donnie A Success

All right I'll cut to the chase...I had a wonderful time with Donnie, and he asked me out again for next week!  He's just your average country bred guy but I find him likeable.  It did me a world of good to get out of the apartment and get out for a drive and see different things.  Spent an hour at Tim's (of course) WHERE ELSE????  anyway we were going to go to the Legion but the place was packed and we knew there would be no tables available (so we;re going to go earlier next week) I found it really easy to talk to him and am so happy and encouraged that he thought enough of me to want to go out again!!!!  He was going to take me out tomorrow night but Saturdays are reserved for Nancy and Rowena, he was okay with that.  I'm positively elated that my evening went the way it did and I may have found the companion that I've been looking for!!!!!!!!!!