wish daylight...

zzx

Did you ever have a time when you felt like killing your computer?  Today was the day for me!  For some reason ALL the passwords and things were wrong, and I knew darn well they were right!  I have all my pass codes and whatnot recorded in a  notebook; at first I thought maybe I was wrong, but EVERYTHING?  Ohh it was driving
me clear crazy, let me tell you!  I do know that the computers  are being tested to work out their kinks; although i t feels very much like a form of medieval torture!  Barely an hour ago the compute returned and I was allowed into my sites.  Let me
reiterate; computers have become a vital part of our modern lives and I don't know if we could survive without them.
l do enjoy having  cell phone and the sense of freedom it creates.  I'm not into texting, though, and likely will never be....I'm too much a klutz and would more than likely run into someone on a busy street. I'm not  great fan of Kindle either; I love to read from the real thing...a book!  I love the hefty weight in my  hand, the smell and feel of  the pages.   really can't understand how anyone could enjoy reading on a Kindle.  I guess that dates me; places me as one from the old school.  I do enjoy computers and technology but still.. life marches on.

Not sleeping

I don't know what's going on; my sleep seems to be gone by the wayside.  I haven't slept since Sunday.  I'm still feeling pretty good but I do have stretches were I'm so tired I think I'm going to die.  I WILL die if I don't start catching some zees soon.  I try to relax by lying on the bed and it's like floating on a cloud; so comfortable!  But no sleep.  I just lay there and take in the comforting feel of the blankets on me; which is great but I need to sleep.  I have no problems keeping busy (which is a surprise) in an apartment.  But I'm busy the whole time!  That's all well and good but what can I do to get my sleeping started up again?  I hate to bother the doctors with this, and I suppose I could take another Tenazepam but they're all rationed out for me.  I could give Dr Hoyt a call, but once again I don't want to be a bother.  Pest.  Sleeping is inevitable; everything sleeps..mine's kind of stuck right now.  This will pass..it HAS to!!!

3:30 AM and all is well

Well, here I am pulling another "all-nighter"and not feeling a bit tired in the slightest..I was rather high all evening and was very glad that Rowena was here with me.  Having someone with me keeps me from taking off and doing things that could get me hurt.....Memories of the time I left Paul and had to walk the streets  all night (apparently I was too manic at the Transition House and keeping the other girls awake so I was thrown out and left to fend for myself)  It was horrible.  I remember walking ad walking, up on street, down another with no idea where I'd wind up next....it turned out to be the DECH but I don't know how I got there.  I'm very wide awake but not manic so I KNOW I won' go jumping off the deep end and getting myself nothing but trouble!  I know better now.  I kept myself busy with a few projects such as wrapping more Christmas gifts, watching some TV, hanging out on the computer, didn't do much reading due to the fact I can't concentrate on a book right now.  I blame it on my lack of sleep.  Sooner or later the bottom will fall out and I'll do nothing but sleep for 3 or 4 days..only problem is hat the chesterfield is gone (they sawed it into three pieces in order to get it out the door) And here I was trying to wrestle it out on my own!!!!!!!!  I'm paying for it though with a sore back and legs.  I'm too independent for my own good (I'm a chip off the old block..Mom was very determined and independent too...I'm proud to have some of her traits.)
Rowena and I walked to Tim's after supper; at first I thought I wouldn't be going out anywhere because of my sore legs and back..I was sure I wouldn't be able to walk. But the more we talked on the phone the more determined I was that I'd at least try; find out where I'm at physically.  I did make it but I walked  a little slower than usual.  It was worth it to get out in the fresh air and then buy our coffees.....Life is good, no matter what.  (Meaning another trip to the DECH)...I'm very happy in my soul; wish I could meet more people and get out with them)  I signed onto a couple dating sites last week but that's not the same as actually meeting someone. I don't expect it to work for me.  It's more feasible that I'll run into someone the way I did Paul.  One just never knows!   :oD

My Blog is Back!

Hey!  Got my blog back after a ton of hassle on the computer...oh, I missed it so!  It's my journal, basically and I hate trying to write with paper and pen; this way i so much quicker and thus more is said.  I rely on my blog (as I did my journals) to help  with my memory.  So   much is happening in my life and I don't want  to lose any of it!
Since I didn't get to write anything for yesterday I'll summarize.  I decided to get out to church because I wanted to start back in the choir...after nearly 2 years I thought I was ready.  I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought; it took everything I could to stop falling asleep right there in the pew  :o(  I think I may have made myself some enemies (they probably thought I was a street person and drunk on top of it)  I get these WEAK SPELLS quite often but they're no due to alcohol.  After the service was over I headed for the  back room with everyone else to enjoy a sandwich and coffee. I might as well been a lump of stinking dog poop.....they all stayed clear of me..there were no welcoming words for me..nothing, just snubs.  OK that could go both ways.  Determined to never step foot inside that church again I put on my jacket and left.  I felt so discouraged that the walk home, I could have cried.  I want to find a church to attend (and sing in the choir) but it may be a tougher hunt than I first realized.  I do know that I'll never return to StPaul's.
Along with these weak spells I'm starting to hallucinate ....I hope it isn't caused by the ABILIFY...I need it so I can stop the Clozaril and maybe have a small stab at losing some of this ugly fat.  I read the sheet that came with the Abilify and there's no mention of weight gain...and that's what I'm after..a chance at losing some of this weight  I hate how it makes me feel; it's harder for my body to move around...and then there's the cosmetic side.  I weigh 183 right now and it just kills me.  My moods seem to be heading towards level again; I think the Abilify  should be thanked for that and I don't (I pray I don't) lose it...I have these spells where I feel totally high and out of body (this is not mania......I nod off (like I did in church),  it takes everything in me to get up and walk (without staggering)...and I'm doing my share of hallucinating.  Sleep is starting to return.......made it through the whole night last night,but slept past the early morning (which I don't want to do..I LOVE the early mornings, seeing the darkness being chased away by daylight....the solitude; you don't see ANYONE  around...knowing I won't miss any more functions like the ones I lost out on this summer.  I want to get out of tat bed and enjoy as many things as I can!  BUT I'M SLEEPING AGAIN, anyway.  We'll see how long it lasts.
This is weird, strange, but I felt Paul's presence around the apartment all day (and into the evening_  sometimes I'd see him, just a flash....but his presence was very strong He knows I miss him but there's nothing that can be done. I wonder if he wants to help me find Mr Right..someone who will love me, take care of me..all the things Paul did before the aneurysm took him away.  In the evening it felt like he had gone out for the evening (maybe to a fiddle jam?) and would be home later.  It was eerie.  I didn't even feel right myself; that this wasn't my home and I'd have to head out later..my head felt suspended above my body......strange thoughts.....and then you can't forget those HALLUCINATIONS!!!!  I think I'm on the slippery slope to another episode and I pray to God I'm not.  I don't have Paul to come in and cheer me any more.  2SE can be TERRIBLY DISMAL if you don't have company.

I'm scared

My lack of sleep and rest is starting to get to me..I noticed it in particular today.  It's weird the way I'm feeling.  All day even though I had Nancy and Rowena in I kept feeling as though I were in a netherland somewhere, that this was not my apartment and I'd have to go soon, I had many odd thoughts...and not so good either.  I've been hallucinating quite heavily, so heavily that it scared me.  No one likes hallucinations.  I certainly don't plan to tell anyone (as if there were someone to tell; I don't have a worker any more)...So basically I'll have to put up with this until I see Dr Hoyt in December..there's no way my appointment can be bumped ahead because it lies heavily on the new ,medications that I'm trying. I really hope they do the job so that I can be taken off the Clozaril....I've taken on too much weight already from the Clozaril....and the Dr seems to think this Abilify will do just the opposite.  Well, I'm long gone past the belief in fairy tales....I do so want to take these pounds off but I've given up hope.  Dr Digby was right in wanting to reach Dr Hoyt because I'm not well and am on that slippery slope back into the hospital (please tell me it isn't so)  I hate that place.  They;re not even allowed to "coddle" anyone lest tey decide they want to stay longer.  I hardly think so.  I wouldn't mind some coddling but when it came time to come home then that would be it; I'd be glad to get out of there.  I don't know why they think they can't do little kindnesses that might make a patient feel  a little more positive.  They used to when I first was admitted in 1991....I appreciated the kind words, little favors run...the hand on my shoulder,long talks......what's wrong with showing someone a little attention?  Now they hardly look at you, even the ones who have ECT done...everyone is treated the same..coldly and indifferently...it's a crying shame that things have swung so far in this direction.  Hospitals are SUPPOSED to be comforting, not a place where the patients are treated like criminals!

Fulfilling Plans

This has been a really  different day for me...firt of all I got up to find my computer unable to work...had no idea what was wrong with her!  Couldnt'  get her going no way at all.  I never saw her acting such a way and it panicked me.  The only thing I could do was to=cross the hall and drag Julien over across the hall to bail me out (again)..He was no time discovering the problem and had me back in
business.  He's  a genius in computer science and hardly took long to get to the bottom of things.  Oh that sure made my days.  I;m using my computer more cause the colder weather is on its way and we have no more concerts to go to in the park.  So we need something to do come winter with all it's ice, and snow, and wind.  I've come along way with the computer which will widen my area of expertise.  I do love computering and wish that I could hang out with Julian and learn how to build them along with him.  I look t him as a really good friend, and
there's no reason why good  friends can't do the odd thing together.  I have my name and picture in the local singles club but all I'm getting responses from are the fellowws who are looking for a one night sex stand......well, I'll have you know I'm not a "ho" and will not lay around for just any old man.  I have higher hopes than that, and if God sees fit to keep me alone then that's where and how I'll live.
   Well, if the weather is dry and not raining I'm planning to start attending church at St Paul;s..  I know it has been rended in two by the big spat they had a couple of years ago but it's the only church I know .  I need to rejoin the choir in order to minister to my soul and fill my need fir singing.  I'm getting up really early in the mornings and so it makes it possible for me to go to church.........Providing it doesn't rain I'll be able to walk.  I NEED to get back to church even if it isn't the correct one.  As long as I choose to listen and worship. the differences shouldn't matter.

Photos

I thought I'd dig out some photos of the times when Paul was still alive and able to have fun.......playing his beloved violin, guitar...coming to Tim's with me....I want to remember all the good times we had together and not the bad.  It's not hi sfault that his illness changed him so dramatically.  I miss him..the "normal" him....I miss playing cards, skip-bo, singing, going for drives,,,,,,shooting practice when we used old alarm clocks as targets....building our house,  he was so much fun and I loved him with all my heart.  We were perfect for one another.  I pray he's in a better place now and at peace after all the suffering he went through.  Goodbye, Paul, I still love you.

Losing support

It looks to me that it doesn't prosper  me to try to get ahead and conquer my illness.  In fact; just the opposite is true..  This was my day to be taken to the food bank by Sharon, and at first everything seemed all right.  And it was until we arrived home and I mentioned that I'd call her again for next month's trip.  She totally surprised me by saying that she would no longer be helping me out in the future; that I could not be pampered any more (pampering would keep me in need of health care as well as not making any effort to get better!)  I told her I'm NOT getting better; I'm still only sleeping one or two hours every night...and it's really affecting my mental state.....tough tittie.she said I'd have to find my own way to the food bank or doctor's appointments..anything.....no more pampering.  I know this is because the system is failing, not enough money to sustain it......she didn't even take me to Tim's for the last time.. What am I supposed to do without a worker to be there for me?  All along, all through the years I've had helpers...some I liked, some I didn't, but they were there for me.  They don't care what happens to me or the rest of the clients; we're not family or close friends.  I found this so disheartening that I cried when I made it into my apartment.  It hardly seems fair.  I guess they'll have a whole lot of sick people then, and all with no one to rely on.
Also I have somethng else on my mind; it's my throat.  Been bothering me for at least a week; it's very sore and making it hard for me to swallow, and sometimes it chokes me off (as if it's swollen tonsils) and I feel like I'm going to choke to death......I figured this was important enough to call Dr Digby so I did and I'll be seeing him tomorrow.  I imagine he'll be sticking that probe down my throat but it needs to be done.  I hope it's nothing serious!  I'm going up on the bus and since it looks like rain we'll (Rowena's coming with me) we;ll more than likely have to call a taxi.  I hate it when we have to spend out good money like that.

It's the funniest thing; since I changed the living room by getting rid of the old sofa and bringing in the old chair Paulused to sit in I could feel his presence around me.....Honestly! I felt like I'd turn around and there he'd be!  I'm doing a major reno on the room...I'm going to get a LazBoy chair, the sooner the better and then I'll return the chair to the lounge...I'm looking forward to getting the LazBoy so when I sit on it I can stretch my feet out and relax.  I have lots of people out scouting around for me; I told them I'd be willing to come up as far as $100; it's worth it to get a good quality one.  After that I want to purchase a new computer chair..this one is old and doesn't have much covering on the seat..if I sit too long I wind up nursing a SORE ass.  The apartment feels different even now; just think of how it's going to feel when I get it finished.  I'm so grateful I have this project to look ahead to!  I thank God for this; it will help me through some disappointing days!

A Better Day

Things are changing for me once again>>>>>switching from the stressful days of non sleep, crankiness, feeling as though I was going to die..the feelings were that strong....Anyway, I'm starting to sleep again at night, and I'm even getting up around 8AM...if this keeps up I want to start going to church again so I can feel closer to God and sing in the choir too.  I've missed out on so much by not getting up out of that bed till after 10 or 10:30.....Do you suppose my new meds might be working>  On the negative, frightening side I do find that my temper is coming back (after 4 years)  I can't seem to do the crossword puzzles and anagrams in the paper and I get SO frustrated that I start swearing like a sailor and ripping them up into a million pieces!  I'm getting awfully stupid these days..but be DAMNED if I'm giving up!!!  I love solving puzzles and I'm not going to allow myself to lose out on them.
Anyway, on to today.....Art & Ro took me on a lovely drive through Burtt's Corner where they visited their friends Pat & Juanita....we only stayed a little while and I sure loved being in a car again....taking in the scenery, feeling the wheels rolling underneath me.........when we returned to town we stopped for a feed of chicken..I found the prices rather expensive so I won't be ordering any more.....I can't be frugal that way!!!  I hope I get out on another drive or two; it's such a treat for me.....the only time I get out of the apartment is when I have to take the bus to the hospital for blood work, or walk most places that I have to go...or take the occasional taxi.  I sure miss Paul taking me out for all those drives.....we always had so much fun together then.  Ah well, maybe...MAYBE God will lead me to someone in my life who will take me out and help me keep my life interesting.  MAYBE.

Mental Health Day

It's difficult me for me to sit here and type ; I hurt my back by trying to move a chesterfield out of the apartment on my own last night....{men seem t disappear when there's a little bit of work to be done..so tat left it up to me.  The couch was heavy and bulky and I gave it my all out best; I did get it dragged across the floor but then it got stuck in the corner and there was no moving it.  I swore like a sailor and felt my blood pressure hit the ceiling.  If only I could borrow a couple of men for a few minutes.  Hmf.  Forget it.  The men here are useless.  I ant to get rid of the old couch ; it's old and the cushions are coming apart, and the poor old thing smells. Ideally I want to find a nice LaZBoy chair but for now I'll take what I can get.  Now I need to hunt down some men.
Mental Health Day,,,I want to share the story of Art's friend; the one he wants me to go out on a date with...Art told him Im bipolar and Ralph shot back that he doesn't want any lesbians.....he thought biPOLAR meant biSEXUAL.....wow...there's a lot of teaching needed to be done yet.  Wow.  I can't believe that people can be o stupid when it comes to mental illness!  We need to forge ahead and spread the word, bring mental illness out of the closet and into the light!  If we don't do it, who will?

W

Feeling cranky

Yes, you can call me old Cranky Pants today.  I'm tired from not getting my sleep; last night I only logged in one hour,
that was it; each night that goes by I'm losing more and more sleep.  I have insomnia, I know it.  I did so well with my sleeping for the last 4 years, now it's all going to hell in a hand basket.  I think the Tenazepam no longer works for me; I've been taking it for years and years and I think my body has developed an intolerance to it.  I'm going to have to call DR Hoyt and pray that she will give me something else.  If I don' t start sleeping soon I'll be in big problems.  I'm kind of down too, I wasn't a tfirst..I was up and around doing my chores, even the laundry!  I'm discouraged because the computer needs a Flash Drive to enable me to watch the videos I like to see.....I had a Flash Drive until yesterday; now they want to improve it and I haven't got two clues how to install the thing.  I knocked on Julian's door but he must be away.  Drats!  I NEED to have this installed.  I hate it when the computer decides to improve this  and that...all it does is make things tougher for us.  Ah well, he should be around tonight.
Well, my ass is sore so I'm done writing!

Frustrated

First of all I want to gripe about the computer......the Flash Player is gone thus
making it impossible to play and listen to the music videos that I enjoy so much.  I don't know how to install the new one; too complicated for me....I feel like chewing nails...I'll have to round up Julien tomorrow, and I hate to bother him so.  I feel like I'm using him..and if there's one thing I hate doing it's using people.  But it's the only way I can get that flash player restored,  Drats!
My day began with a rough start (no thanks to going to bed last night.....and the same thing's happening tonight)  I was talking like someone who had been in the hooch too long..no body could understand; my speech was extremely slurred and I felt horrible.  I knew I had to cancel Girl's  day.....I was so sick I couldn't handle it.  I as disappointed about that too and was able to catch a few nods on the couch.  Have to take whatever sleep whenever I can.  Nobody can survive without a good sleep.......every night......I think I'll give Dr Hoyt a call on Tuesday (tomorrow's a holiday)..I'm wondering if these sleep meds have worn out, lost their effectiveness (after all I've been taking them for many years)  Something has to be done.  I can't go on this way!

shopping

I've been extremely exhausted, beat the last few days because I'm not sleeping at night!  I've been staying up all night nearly all week..wide awake and on the go (as much as someone can be on the go when it's too dark to go outside)...I took a Temazepam last night and still stayed up until 4; this HAS to stop!  I feel just horrible all day and am unable to do much.  Have started taking my new meds (Abilify) and am hoping and praying they do the work that the Clozaril did without the side effects. Not that I'm getting my hopes up..I've been trying to lose weight since 1995 I think.....can't remember for sure..just that I was nice and trim until Dr Fab started trying me on all these different pills. It's been a difficult battle and thus far has gotten the best of me.  I really don't know what to expect from the Abilify.  I've had my hopes up too many times with watching what I eat, exercising, ect......all for nothing.  Anyway, the Clozaril was the best medication for keeping me on the straight and narrow (even to the point of being flat, even while preparing for Paul's funeral)..that's TOO level!  I prefer to be level but not flat.  I'm not Mr Spock and I don't want to act like him.....emotionless.  I may be suffering now but at least I'm feeling things.
This turned out to be a busy day for me.......Nancy wanted to go shopping and I was so damn tired that shopping was the last thing on my mind....ohhhhh...all I wanted to do was go to bed and have a good long sleep.  My heart wasn't in it, but I went as well as Rowena.  I bought very little for myself  but I did start some Christmas shopping, and we sat around and ate at McDonald's..that was the best part...sitting and gabbing.  I felt a little down but not overly so....I was just tired.  As soon as I got home I had a nice sleep on the couch but it wasn't enough...the telephone rang and it was Alice...she's planning to see me over my birthday which is this weekend......It will likely take a few days for me to regain my energy but I hope not too long!

Doctor

Here's my news for today; I had my session with my Psychiatrist....and...it went very well.better than I anticipated.! The original plan was that I wasn't going to let on to her about the troubles I've been having; I didn't want any more changes to my meds..the side effects are just too rough on me (and I've had them all at one time or another)..the worst one to me has been weight gain.....I 183 lbs now..when I started out at 123.....I've tried EVERYTHING..every trick in the book to lose the weight, all to no avail.  I hate myself for being so obese and ugly.....well, it wasn't long everything came spilling out..Dr Hoyt knows her stuff (how to milk a patient for information)  Actually I'm happy that it did reveal itself; it's too hard to hold on to something and not tell.....She's trying me on Abilify, and said if it works then she will take the Clozaril away...apparently this new medication doesn't cause weight gain at all...I checked the information that came with it and will run a quick computer check on it as well.  I know I promised myself that I wouldn't try any more meds but this one sounds promising...I don't know what it will do for the mood swings, but I hope to God I can drop some of these pounds......being over weight is drastically hard on the body. 
I found her very easy to talk to this time.....we had more than 15 minutes thanks to a client cancelling out....and Lord knows I really needed it...had so much to share..I wound up spilling everything...(all my manias and depressions that started this summer)  I hope the Abilify does a good enough job so I can lose the Clozaril.

Rough Day

I'm really tired now after stuffing myself with enough Rivotrils to help me make it through this day which was a terribly difficult one.  For most of the day I was soooo depressed and miserable that I didn't get off the couch; I just couldn't; the strain of the depression made it virtually impossible to move.I felt as though I were in a prison, locked in and forgotten even by my friends.  I welled up with sadness but was unable to cry...and crying was the release I so desperately needed....it hurts so bad when I can't shed any tears at all; it keeps gathering inside my soul until the one day comes that I CAN release it.  I felt that I was being abandoned by everyone; that it was because I was so down.  Most people don't know how to handle a person who is on the bottom....me included..all I can do is hug him and rub his back.....not much but I know it sure is comforting....Thinking of having to face Dr Hoyt tomorrow depressed me even further.....there won't be much accomplished in that session....how much can be done with a time limit of only 15 minutes?  I also had my plans shot down, which was to walk to the center but the weather is calling for rain, rain and more rain.....so I called Art & Rowena and they're going to drive me over....if I couldn't get them I was going to try for my worker and if I was unable to contact her then I was going to cancel.  I don't want her seeing me in a low state of mind....I really don't want any adjustments made to my meds.....it's because they make me too fat.....I'd sooner suffer these mood swings than be prescribed something that will blow me up like a balloon as many did.  I still don't weigh what I wish I did....maybe I never will.  I don't like pills or drugs...I would like to find the holistic approach to this.  Anyway..MOOD CHANGE...Rowena showed up to spend a couple hours with me (she had a cup o'Tim's for me too!)  I was under the impression that she was staying away because I was so depressed, but I was wrong! Thank God!  I cheered up very quickly and kept going into a high.....I took a couple of Rivotril to bring it down so I can sleep tonight!  I can't afford to stay up all night because I need to be ready to go to that appointment after lunch.  Get it out of the way.  I want to be positive when I go in there, talk about a few banalities and then get out.  You can't know a patient when you only see him for only 15 minutes at a shot only 3 or 4 months apart.  I don't know what I WOULD  do if something serious were to happen to me!!!!

Aggravated to the Max!!!!

Yes, I'm all wound up and in the mood to tackle a grizzly bear.....all because of  a stupid, idiotic DIFFICULT crossword puzzle I tried to do tonight...it's one of those hard, hard ones that they save out for the weekend....I know going in that it's going to be tough and I may not be able to finish it, but I've been graciously accepting the fact that I lack enough brain matter to see it all the way through.....tonight was different...and I mean DIFFERENT!!!!  I couldn't concede to defeat and as I hopelessly plowed on with it and getting no where I could feel the old pot start to boil....and boil....I still feel it even though I tore up the offending puzzle and took a run up and down the stairs (5 flights)..Oh I hate to admit that I'm so stupid that I can't finish a stupid cross word puzzle..Jeez...I'm not in a very good mood anyway...strangest damn thing hit me after I spent an  hour downstairs and was kind of on the hyper side.....then someone pulled the plug and I could feel every last bit of my happy mood drain away......only to be replaced with a low.  I tried everything I could to help me survive it; that's all I can do: survive.  Then I decided to do this last puzzle so I'd be caught up and there'd be no more papers hanging around.......I'm supposed to be fairly smart at solving puzzles, but these weekend ones really knock me off my throne.....I'm not used to feeling the Red Bull taking charge of my mood......the best way I could fix that was like I said, tear the paper into a million pieces and take the trip down and up the stairwell.....It's funny...my moods were too flat for the longest time.....I felt good but I also felt emotionless like Mr Spock on Star Trek.....I was like that all through Paul's death and the arrangements..people must have thought I was heartless..I sometimes wonder if I was.....Now I feel the loneliness and I mourn for him  NOW...but I should have shed some tears then.  I'd sooner take the mood swings and at least feel the appropriate emotions and feel alive than to have more drugs pumped into me and once again render me unfeeling and cold.  The only thing I'm really truly afraid of is the anger.....anger is so destructive, and I can't allow it to overtake me...and wind up with me getting into more trouble than I can handle.  I need to grab hold of it and not let these things get to me.  I think my pride gets in the way; I love to think I'm smart and can do these puzzles...when, really, they're so tough they're for the University crowd or Mensa scholars (and I'm a far cry from either one)  I always accepted it before and would say enough is enough and fold the paper and put it away.  I think my moods are all starting to return; have been since this summer....I even know when; I have them all charted on a special calendar...I started falling off the wagon in March.  But from my last admission in 2007 I was "perfect" {if being like Mr Spock is perfect}...I just have to really be careful with this and keep out of trouble....!!!!!  Dear God, can I do it???????

Girl's Day

Things have settled down for the night and I'm so tired I can hardly breathe..that's because I took a trip up all five flights of stairs. and I'm huffing and puffing like an old freight train...I'm honestly doing it because Rowena takes the stairs now and it inspired me to....I can't say whether or not any weight will be lost along the way....would really cheer me if I could drop some pounds!  Anyway I had a full day with Nancy and Rowena...how I love to have them come and spend the day!  They're the only two who really accept me and love me for what I am..I don't have to try to "put on airs" around them as I have to out in public.  I don't feel comfortable disclosing my illness when I'm out with strangers..most would ridicule me and simply not understand.  So many are blinded when it comes to seeing a mental illness for what it is   (and sometimes it's damned hard for me to keep the illness under control)...I can't think of much else to record, just the fact that I'm feeling very well tonight, relaxed and satisfied with my world. I am Thankful for all that God has chosen to bless me with!