Aggravated to the Max!!!!

Yes, I'm all wound up and in the mood to tackle a grizzly bear.....all because of  a stupid, idiotic DIFFICULT crossword puzzle I tried to do tonight...it's one of those hard, hard ones that they save out for the weekend....I know going in that it's going to be tough and I may not be able to finish it, but I've been graciously accepting the fact that I lack enough brain matter to see it all the way through.....tonight was different...and I mean DIFFERENT!!!!  I couldn't concede to defeat and as I hopelessly plowed on with it and getting no where I could feel the old pot start to boil....and boil....I still feel it even though I tore up the offending puzzle and took a run up and down the stairs (5 flights)..Oh I hate to admit that I'm so stupid that I can't finish a stupid cross word puzzle..Jeez...I'm not in a very good mood anyway...strangest damn thing hit me after I spent an  hour downstairs and was kind of on the hyper side.....then someone pulled the plug and I could feel every last bit of my happy mood drain away......only to be replaced with a low.  I tried everything I could to help me survive it; that's all I can do: survive.  Then I decided to do this last puzzle so I'd be caught up and there'd be no more papers hanging around.......I'm supposed to be fairly smart at solving puzzles, but these weekend ones really knock me off my throne.....I'm not used to feeling the Red Bull taking charge of my mood......the best way I could fix that was like I said, tear the paper into a million pieces and take the trip down and up the stairwell.....It's funny...my moods were too flat for the longest time.....I felt good but I also felt emotionless like Mr Spock on Star Trek.....I was like that all through Paul's death and the arrangements..people must have thought I was heartless..I sometimes wonder if I was.....Now I feel the loneliness and I mourn for him  NOW...but I should have shed some tears then.  I'd sooner take the mood swings and at least feel the appropriate emotions and feel alive than to have more drugs pumped into me and once again render me unfeeling and cold.  The only thing I'm really truly afraid of is the anger.....anger is so destructive, and I can't allow it to overtake me...and wind up with me getting into more trouble than I can handle.  I need to grab hold of it and not let these things get to me.  I think my pride gets in the way; I love to think I'm smart and can do these puzzles...when, really, they're so tough they're for the University crowd or Mensa scholars (and I'm a far cry from either one)  I always accepted it before and would say enough is enough and fold the paper and put it away.  I think my moods are all starting to return; have been since this summer....I even know when; I have them all charted on a special calendar...I started falling off the wagon in March.  But from my last admission in 2007 I was "perfect" {if being like Mr Spock is perfect}...I just have to really be careful with this and keep out of trouble....!!!!!  Dear God, can I do it???????