Feelin' Low

This isn't a very good night for me......my mood is dropping into low (my payment for (enjoying?) the spell of mania I had earlier this week...I knew this was going to come, it always does..but it doesn't make it any easier for me...also I'm missing Paul something terrible......not the way he was when he was sick, but the Paul I loved out in Harvey....moving him in from the country didn't do him any favours....he was unhappy here,I know it.  A man needs a yard to putter around in..work on his cars, the gardens, ect....I blame myself and my illness for not being able to stay in Harvey.  As far as that goes I miss the puttering and yard work too....the house; I loved my house....I miss little Buddy and the cats (Maxx and Henry)....all of it, but I was just plain getting TOO sick due to the isolation (I guess)..and all the strife we were going through with the people there..knowing now what I should have known then I don't blame the people any more...Paul's personality was changing even then due to that aneurysm in his brain.  Rowena didn't make it up tonight because she's having a LOT of pain from arthritis...I think she has fibromialgia because the pain is everywhere as arthritis is more localised.  I feel sad that she has to suffer like that; she's such a sprightly, positive little person and an inspiration to me.  I think I'm relying on her too much for companionship, though.  It's because she keeps the loneliness at bay.  I'm being hit full blast tonight...depression is moving in, I miss Paul so much it hurts.....I miss going out singing with him.....travelling.....I need human contact but I sure won't get it at this hour.  I could phone the crisis line but this isn't a crisis.....I'm not suicidal, just sad.......low.  This illness is getting so much more difficult to cope with......I was perfectly level for 2 or 3 years..can't remember exactly.....my fault for not keeping any journals for a time.  Now I'm swinging like Tarzan and the only reason I can think of is that my medications need to be adjusted.  And that I definitely don't want.  Dr Hoyt hardly knows me and so that leaves a lot of room for error.....I went through that with Dr Fab..he tried me on just about everything....he played "medication roulette" with me and I suffered for it.  Dr Shahid was more steady at the helm, trying only a few meds like Seroquel, which worked but it caused me to put on quite a bit of weight.  He knew me so well he could tell exactly where I was just by looking at me.  (he was also the one who talked me into having the ECT treatments..not so good)....I can handle this but it hurts.  It's the loneliness that is hitting me the hardest.  I'd love to be dating and having some fun but there's not much chance of me ever meeting anyone 'cause I don't go to where the guys are.  I figure if it's meant for me to find someone then it will be so.  Just like Paul was brought into my life by a series of co incidences..we were meant to be.  Maybe if I go to bed and have a good sleep I'll wake up in the morning bright and cheery once again.

Recuperating

Starting to feel more like myself after two days of mania...yesterday I was just plain exhausted from all that hyper activity...slept in till nearly noon, then relaxed as much as possible on the ole couch....most of that time was spent sleeping...I'm not in shape to handle mania any more....poor body trying to keep up with the racing thoughts and ideas..being pulled along anyway....Ohhhhhhh...so today was much much better; I'm sitting at the middle of the scale; winding down, sticking my nose in a good book, generally inactive...that's what I needed right now..rest and relaxation.  Rowena was in this afternoon and she told me she could tell that I was HIGH those days (and nights) and was worried that I'd get "stuck" in that state and have to go back to the hospital......but, no, I eventually came back to earth....One thing I love about mania is that I get SO MUCH done!!!  I wish I could save some of that energy for my regular days so that I could be more productive......to be energetic without the high wired,
pressurised antics of mania!

I'm not in the  best of moods right now; something seems to be going wrong with the computer (of all things!)  I can't seem to sign in to Facebook or Hotmail with my usual passwords...this has been occurring for at least three days!  I find it extremely frustrating; there's no reason why this should even be happening!!!  Grrrr!  When a computer decides to act up there's not one damn thing you can do about it!!!!
Anyway, I'm tired to the bone today; got hit by mania that lasted two days....I did get a lot of things done but it's tough for my body to keep up when my mind races..wow...I still walked to the center to play bingo but I think I should have stayed home...I felt terrible....then the walk back home was almost impossible.....I didn't think I would make it..I didn't even stop at Tim's for coffee..too tired..too exhausted...ohhh.....I can't recover from mania as quickly as I used to.  I loved the feeling of being high and seeing the results.....I got a nice bookcase from downstairs..it needed a paint job so sure enough I took brush in hand and went at it!  If it weren't for these manic spells I wouldn't get anything like that done...so they're worth the drain on my body! 

Kind of Nervous Feeling

I haven't posted anything for a couple of days so I thought I should get around to it tonight, even if it isn't very much of substance.  My activity level was low with the major activity of the day  being taking a trip to Sobey's to load up on some great sales. I  have absolutely NO motivation when I'm alone..much as I wish to God I had more......being unable to push myself out the door is keeping me prisoner in my apartment.......and we all know what THAT will do to me.....I'm just great when Rowena or someone else shows up to spur me along..but it really bothers me that I have such a tough time moving on my own.  I'm missing Paul tonight too something terrible...wish he hadn't gotten sick and died on me.he was my crutch...always had me going. He was always there when I needed him. I love my independence but there's times I can't help but feel lonely.  I'd love to meet someone new but I'm afraid I'm too old now.....56 would seem terribly ancient to anyone under 50....so I'm resigning myself to living out the rest of my life on my own......sad..I need to find someone to love......I'm also worried about the sleep walking that I started doing in the last couple of weeks.....the first two nights saw me turning up the heat in the bedroom (which I always keep cold)...I .awoke to a hot room and I could feel the heat radiating  from the register!!  I got up and turned the thermostat back off, and then the same thing happened the following night...I got smart and covered the thermostat with duct tape figuring that would outsmart me....It seems to have so far but the next thing I pulled was to unplug ALL the appliances in the bedroom (clock, radio,fan, etc)  Don't know how to outsmart that one.....I used to sleep walk a lot years ago but thank God Paul was still with me and he usually caught me before I did anything too bad......makes me afraid to go to sleep.....I suppose I'll have to bring this up with Dr Hoyt; I have an appointment with her Oct 5......I'll have to make sure to write everything down 'cause the session only lasts 15 minutes..not very long.  I find I'm getting impatient with people when I'm in a long line up (I was never like that..line ups didn't bother me especially if I found someone to talk to)  and I'm SO JEALOUS of people who aren't fat like me....I don't like to hear of them succeeding at Weight Watchers or Curves or any of them ..it's because my pills have sabotaged my efforts....nothing is working....NOTHING.....if I had the guts I'd stop taking the Clozaril; I know it's the culprit.....this really discourages me in a big way.  A BIG way, get it????  I have no self esteem left at all....I'm ugly, fat and OLD.  I really don't have anything to hope for in the days ahead, just wondering when I'm going to die.  I truly wish things would change for me but I honestly can't foresee it.  And on that note........so long.

Significant Step

I'm so tired I can hardly see the keyboard without straining but I want to share the positive aspects of this day!  After weeks of staying very close to home; only venturing out to pick up my groceries and run errands,,,,,,,and attend the musical concerts on the greens with Rowena (I'd have never taken the initiative in my own)..today I finally summoned up some courage and determination and walked to the activity center where Bingo was scheduled for today!  I love Bingo as a rule but earlier this summer when my moods were fluctuating pretty strongly I decided not to go.  I had lost interest in it and didn't feel up to socialising either...so just like THAT I stopped going.  Well, today I made up my mind to take a huge step and go; it meant walking across town (which poses no problem for me because I love to walk)..I've been told that the longer one stays away from something the more difficult it is to return)  I have to say a more true thing has ever been said; it took me weeks to drum up enough courage to even think of going back.  Anyway, I'm really proud of myself; my day was wonderful, spending time with my friends and acquaintances, getting back into the swing of things!  I even won two very nice prizes for my efforts.  I need to keep my resolution up and not allow myself to drift away from these activities.  I don't deserve to become prisoner to my apartment; life is to be lived!  I watched Dancing with the Stars tonight and one of the dancers had gone through  afire; his face was badly deformed and one of his ears was missing....INSTEAD OF COWERING AND HIDING SOMEWHERE there he was dancing in front of at least a million viewers....!  He totally INSPIRED me......wow....I was floored when I saw him......he may not be the final winner but boy, he's a winner to me......Now if he, being so deformed can get out and dance like that then what am I capable of?  I have all my facilities, can get around, am not handicapped in any way....what am I capable of doing?  This man has left a lasting impression on me and I'm going to follow his brave lead and try to better  myself any way I can.  He's a HERO and I wish him the best of luck in everything he does.  God bless him.

Errands

Each and every month there comes the one day that I have to run around town and catch up on my errands!  I stopped at my bank and got my Rogers bill paid up and then I continued on to the library with Rowena, bought a book from the resale bin, and of course stopped at Tim Horton's for my coffee fix!  I'm very fortunate in the fact that the Rogers bill is the only one I have to pay (after rent, groceries, etc)  I live in a low rental building and so the utilities are all included in my rent...makes life so much easier....I still have to watch the dollars so I don't find myself broke by the end of the month.  Living here is a good place for me.  I love my apartment and the fact that it is located centrally which enables me to pretty well travel around the city using the buses and also walking.  Occasionally I need to call upon a taxi but that's only if the weather is really nasty (rain, snow, ice cold wind)..yes, I have a great life here and I hope things continue to be positive for me for many many years yet.  I never take any of it for granted....instead I am extremely grateful for my situation.

Great Music

The highlight of today was the Harvest Jazz and Blues concerts that Rowena and I were very fortunate to be able to attend...the weather was perfect, sunny with a nice fall wind..thank God it wasn't rained out!  This festival started Thursday and many top-name jazz and blues groups were brought in.....they played under the big top tent and people were charged admission to see them.  Others were set up in front of King's Place, on the greens and other outdoor venues....the whole affair was a SUCCESS!  I was so happy to be able to see the concerts on the greens and take in the great music!  I'm not normally a follower of that music genre but I sure am when I attend the concerts and see them in person!  Sadly, this marks the end of the open air concerts; now we have to wait till spring until next year's lineup is revealed.
I'm in my third day of feeling very good without any depressive spells!  I'm trying to make the most of these days by being as productive as I can and taking the opportunity to get out of the apartment.  I know this doesn't last forever so I really try hard not to waste these days.  I was thinking strongly of asking Dr Hoyt to increase my Wellbutrin but I don't think that's the answer.  It would be if I were locked into depression and unable to come out.  I don't want any changes made in my meds; I'm already having to put up with side effects.....especially weight gain.  I feel so discouraged and angry too...nothing seems to want to help me slim down..exercise, watching my diet, ...nothing.  I often think seriously of not taking any more meds since I'm still swinging...but I don't dare stop them.  They have me hooked on them now..just like a dope addict.  I often wish with all my heart that I hadn't gone for help in the first place..but that's foolish thinking too.....I doubt if I'd still be alive if I hadn't sought the help.  Still..stubbornly I wish WISH I could find a way to lose the weight!

one tiring day

I just had to go and stay up all night ...couldn't sleep even after taking a sleeping pill...I was so wide awake I went to work in the apartment and rearranged the furniture in the living room, also scrubbed and cleaned...then I spent time on the computer, watched TV, read..nothing would tire me out......I wasn't manic, honest!  I just couldn't sleep!  I did make it to bed around 6AM; I knew I had to get some sleep because I had a busy day planned.  Two of my friends and I had it planned to go to the Walmart for a day of shopping...oh dear, I didn't wake up until close to 11AM and I could have sworn I had one too many last night......I was stumbling all over myself and my speech was extremely slurred...energy output>>> zilch.....I certainly didn't feel up to shopping and would have been very happy if Nancy had called to cancel.  No way.  Off we went straight for the Walmart and I KNOW the other shoppers mistook me for a drunk or a druggie.as I was tripping and falling over my shopping cart and "driving" erratically up and down the aisles...I was so embarrassed and really wanted to be anywhere than there!  I picked up a few items but my heart wasn't in it....I was exhausted..beat...  It's a wonder I wasn't politely escorted out of the store by two burly security men...(Ha Ha)  Later in the day my energy did return and then I had a wonderful time with my friends.  We even splurged and had dinner at the Golden Arches....yup, McDonald's!  We sat there for the longest time just gabbing and watching the other customers coming and going.....sometimes we run into someone we know.  We usually get out on these trips once a week and most times it's something to look forward to.  Last time we went I lost control of the purse strings and spent way way too much and I was so disappointed in myself, but today I did very well...superb control!  Except for my being sooooo tired, this was a great day!!!!

Dissertation on anger

It's nearly midnight (the witching hour) and here I sit with the computer and a relaxation CD keeping the background.  I love those CDs; they've sure been a tremendous help to me all the while I've been trying to cope with the downside of being bipolar.  I do receive my share of manias and all the carnage that they leave behind.....anger..better recognised as RAGE is one of the most destructive effects of mania that I can think of.  I was well known for my unholy rages (often provoked by non understanding husband) that would end up with my destroying so many many things..it didn't matter what was at hand, I'd throw (hurl) it and have the satisfaction of seeing the broken pieces lying on the floor!  I recall heaving things out the window too, some never to be recovered.....Paul knew how to push my buttons and push them he did....I honestly think he got his jollies from triggering me like that and then telling my psychiatrist how nasty I was to him....(sounds like a case of wanting self pity)...I tried my best to be a good wife to him but it was almost impossible with all the moods swinging I was enduring.He would taunt and criticise me to the point that I was literally seeing red and often times he lost shirts because I would leap at him and tear them off in strips! Not to mention the various things that were whipped at him like (pots and pans, dishes, boots, etc)  It strikes me funny now when I think of it but it sure wasn't funny at the time.  He could be a decent husband if he wanted but he had his times, especially at the end when he developed an aneurysm in his brain and his personality changed completely....and not for the better....he was getting in trouble with the law and because of his terrible hateful attitude succeeded in getting us banned from various public places..it created immense soul breaking pressure on me....I have enough trouble keeping my own head out of water.....trying to cope with him (and not knowing exactly what was wrong with him) was quickly taking me to the breaking point.....I didn't have two clues what the problem was; I just figured he was developing schizophrenia or something because he was paranoid of practically everything and talking irrationally....I remember he developed a fear of helicopters believing they were coming to take him to the hospital to dissect him and take out all his organs for donation.  No matter how often I tried to comfort him and tell him he was safe the irrational fear was still there....even to the point of having Donor removed from his health card.  There's so much I could go into here but I won't..most of it brings negative memories to the foreground......at least he died in peace,, having gone into a coma and passing a week later.  I wasn't with him when he died and I'll always feel bad about that.  I am grateful, however that I was an inpatient on the psych floor when the news came in about him being taken to the hospital in Saint John after taking a fall in the apartment (he went into the coma then)..If I'd have been home I'd have never been able to cope..knowing me I'd have gone into a state of hysterical panic and not known what to do......I was on the psych floor due to the stress I was facing with Paul..just simply not knowing where to turn and in  bad need of some respite....thankfully the hospital provided me a week at least.  He passed after I was home a few days, and the funny thing was that I kept a clear head and was able to arrange most of the funeral and immediately pick up the pieces and move on with my life.  I don't know why I was so calm and collected through that period when what I really wanted to do was cry and cry and cry some more....after all he was my husband since 1981 and we had many many wonderful times together..it wasn't all bad..most of it comprised of happy years.  I think I was drugged to the eyeballs which cheated me of my need to mourn him in those early days.  Now I'm making up for it.  On the days when nobody comes to spend time with me I find my need for him is really overwhelming and I do cry.  My heart feels so heavy and I wish he were still here with me.  I'm all right as long as my friends stop in and spend quality time with me....man or woman, it doesn't matter.  I need companionship, nothing else at this time. Eventually I'll want to start dating but not just yet.
As for my anger, rage, it seems to be gone.  I think it died with Paul, and that's been a year and a half....I seem to have mellowed out and nothing bothers me much now.  I know Paul was to blame for a lot of the rage I let loose, but other things did too....I was extremely volatile, (when manic) changing in a flash from mania to rage.....I drove away many wonderful friends with my foul, shouting mouth, and literally throwing them out of my house.....now I treat my valued friends like gold, having learned the hard way how to lose them.  I feel a sense of loss when I think of the beautiful friendships I had only to destroy them in just a few minutes with my razor sharp temper.  I don't live in my old town anymore; I'm living in the city now and have made some friends I love more than anything.....never ever have I risen my voice to them or shown any rage.  I think maybe the ECT treatments I had (around 25 give or take) and the new medication (clozaril) may have helped in this area too.....God knows I hope so.  If I do run into any more problems with my illness it certainly won't include mindless anger.  I'm a changed person and (bipolar or not) I hope it continues that way.

Loneliness

The theme for this day was severe loneliness; the kind that makes me feel as though I don't exist here on Planet Earth or elsewhere in this universe.  Ro was gone for the day with Art and so I had no one to talk and laugh with and keep my baser feelings at bay.  I tried to force myself to get up and do various things such as walking over to Sobey's for milk and a package of sliced sandwich ham.  I felt extremely nervous while I was gathering my things but once I got outside I felt so much better.  I was okay then and was able to complete my shopping. (And I was proud of myself too!*)  I have a difficult time when I'm up here in this apartment alone....negative feelings kick in and overtake me.  I do love my apartment but I sure don't want to allow it to become my prison.  I HAVE to fight all these low moods, not allow them to take over my life.  I have enough trouble motivating myself on my own...but I'll go if someone else suggests it to me.....Thank God for that at least!  Half the battle won!  I was so happy when Ro phoned tonight....got myself off the couch (where I had been all day except when I had to go for the groceries and money out of the ATM machine)..I have to go up to the hospital for my monthly bloodwork tomorrow and I need money for bus fare, a lunch afterwards and possibly a taxi down....rain is called for in the forecast....but if it isn't raining after I'm done there I'm walking.  $8.00 taxi fare is too much, especially for someone who has to pinch every penny.  I don't have Paul here any more so I have to rely on myself to keep the budget going!

Sept 12.........Funeral

This was a sad morning for me; I attended Barb Taylor's funeral, and first thing I saw was an open casket with her lying in it.  Made me uncomfortable..it isn't as if I'd never seen an open casket funeral before.  I thought of her doing all the things around the building such as working jigsaws, sitting reading or knitting.  She was a private person but always had a smile and a quick "hello" whenever one spoke to her.  She was a sweet, gentle person, never hurt anyone, ever.  Then she had to be stricken by cancer and after fighting bravely for a few months she could fight no more.  Nobody can fight cancer; it's a death sentence.  I know there's a few like Mom and others who DID manage to beat it......but did they, really?  Cancer usually comes back and then it's the end of the line.  I WISH our lives didn't have to end up with death!  What are we here for if it all ends up with death?  Seems hardly worth it to try to live a decent life.  I don't want to die but my time's coming just as it is for every single living person on this planet. You see babies born ...and they too have nothing to look ahead to except death...where's the fairness in this picture?  I wish I hadn't been born at all, then I wouldn't have to face death.Such a waste of LIFE.

Sept 11, 2011 (feeling down)

I'm not feeling like myself tonight.....am very nervous and leaning towards LOW...I seem to be getting more lows than highs so when I see Dr Hoyt next month I'm going to ask her for an increase in my Wellbutrin.  Don't know how long I can stand this.  I'm not even getting out of this apartment much which isn't helping my cause any.  It's been ages since I was last down to the sitting room to gab with the ladies..it's a wonder I made it to the FREX with Art & Rowena on Monday and two concerts on the green (the last ones for the seasons)..well maybe I'm not doing so badly in that department......I'm OK if someone else takes the initiative.  I can't move when I'm relying on myself.  I was restless all day and wanted to go for a walk but it was impossible to dislodge myself.  I am so disappointed.  I even tried to give Sharon the heads-up on Thursday but she didn't catch it.  The workers have such a huge caseload now that it's all they can do to see us once in a while. 
I haven't seen Rowena since Friday; I can't help thinking that maybe she's tired of hanging out with me (especially since she's seeing more signs of my illness); they have a car now, too, and are driving all over the place.....so.....it leaves me forgotten and in the junk pile.  It's bothering me more than it should...everything's bothering me these days and I hate it.  I'm tired of being so alone and I miss Paul terribly...being alone is okay but not on a steady basis.  Having Rowena (and Nancy) around has been chasing  the loneliness away...it's so difficult to cope with on my own.  Certainly isn't helping me with the illness either.  I'm so damn fat and ugly that I'll never find a companion; someone to hang out with, take me out, that sort of thing.....I have no interest in marriage.  Never again.  People change after they get that ring on your finger.  All married couples do is argue and try to rule the other...husbands want and wives say NO NO NO!  I just want a companion, if God sees fit.  If He doesn't then I'll just have to do without.  Life is so short..all I want to do is LIVE it in any way I can!

Saturday Afternoon

OK here I am, sitting in front of the ole computer and formulating some thoughts and ideas for today.  Fortunately this was a good day, helped mostly by Nancy coming and spending the whole day as she does every Saturday.  No Rowena, though; she had a lot to do on her own.......she and Art travelled to Burtt's Corner to dig into a delicious array of food at a picnic held by their church group.  Then when they returned home she called to say they'd be attending the FREX ; that was fine; Nancy and I got along just fine without her.  I would have loved to have gone to the FREX with them but I had a guest and my guests are more important than going out.!         

Winding down

Well, I had a really great evening tonight....didn't have to spend it alone.  Rowena and I watched crime shows on TV (CSI, Flashpoint {which is one of my favourites} and Blue Bloods)  she has such a crush on Tom Sellick....she makes me laugh the way she goes on about  him!  My absolute favourite can't miss show is "House"; I just love it..he's so crusty and bad tempered
, quite the character.  Fortunately I don't have to spend too many nights alone, thanks to Rowena.....I do, however spend pretty well all my days alone and that's when I run into trouble with my illness.  Mood swings.I try to occupy myself with walking and spending some time at the store but many days I just can't seem to lift myself out of my chair...going out is a real challenge then and I mostly wind up wasting my time inside.  I hate that.  I know life is short and is to be enjoyed, to shoot for my potential, but I can't seem to find the ability to do anything,not even volunteer work.  I hate myself when I waste these precious days.  Bipolar or not there's no need for it.  I want to live all the way, to find my potential, my gift, and use it to help make this world a better place.

Beginning my Blogging Journey

For more years than I care to count I've been keeping extensive journals which were invaluable in charting the course of my illness (bipolar disorder) and then going and throwing them all out!!!!  Blogging was suggested to me, and as long as my computer holds up I should be able to keep these writings and be able to refer to them when needed.  I plan to drop in every day and jot a few lines about whatever is on my mind at that time.
For the past few weeks I've been fighting mood swings again after being perfectly level since my last hospital stay in 2007; it felt great being "happy" all the time but it was also inappropriate at times such as when my husband passed away; I felt as though my emotions were frozen. I didn't like that aspect at all.  Still, I forged on taking my meds properly each day; it was far better feeling great all the time than allowing myself to sink into depression.  Anyway, 3 months ago (I chart my moods daily.tremendous help) I started to swing..not so bad at first but as each period of swinging struck it was with more intensity and power.  Now I'm reverting back to how I was before going to the hospital.  The changes that attack me are almost too hard to bear......and I think I've driven (or am driving) one of my very best friends away, and that hurts.  Here's the dilemma:  I don't want my meds increased because I've already gained more weight than I cared to already from taking those meds; I can't chance putting on more pounds!  Secondly I DON'T want to return to hospital because the first thing they would do to me is force me to have ECT (shock treatments)..I had enough of those to last a lifetime and believe me, I'm terrified of them!!!!!  So I need to work out my problems here at home; I do have lots of Rivotril around to take when the going gets too hard.  The main issue is that I pray I don't start acting up and driving even more people away....I lost many friends, good friends over the years because of this wretched illness.  I have my own apartment, my independence (which I treasure) and I can't allow this illness to wreck all that.....if I can get my Psychiatrist to increase my Wellbutrin (anti depressant) that would be fine; it doesn't cause weight gain.  The others (Clozaril, Lithium) do.  My appointment with her is in October.  She doesn't really know me 'cause she's new ( I only had her for 2 sessions).  I hate that.  Changing doctors after having them for years and a great relationship is developed; then they wrench them away and you're left to start over which is difficult for me.  I'm kind of depressed today, not too much that I can't handle, and I'd rate my mood at maybe a -2.