16 May

Haven't posted for a while but that's the way I want it; I don't like trying to write on days in which nothing much is happening...gets rather repetitive.  Anyway, Donnie is still a major part of my life and that's great..and not so great.  I've gone and crossed over the line between friendship into completely  falling  for him....oh Lord....I promised myself after Paul died that I'd never open my heart up to anyone ever again....I always acted so stupid when I was first in love with him....now I have to watch out for it happening again.....Last night he was a bit late calling and I had myself all worked up and headed into a down.....stupid, stupid, stupid!  I vowed there would be no more histrionic antics no matter what!  The wonderful thing about it is that I was able to talk myself up and out of it....and by then he had called....I can be such an idiot!  I don't mind loving him but without the foolishness......I want to live and let live as I have since living on my own.....I do have a fear that he'll eventually [down the road] drop me like he did Natalie...but for now I'll live a day at a time and not project into the future [not good]...if he does drop me then I'll suck it up, go through the depression and then go on.  But for now TODAY I'm so in love with him I'm grinning all the time....people here are telling me how much  better I look now....I suppose I do if I'm sporting a huge smile when they see me!  This sure beats depression or even neutrality!  This gives me something to look forward and to savor AND I DO MEAN SAVOR when I'm with him.  It still amazes me that he would go out with me when there's so many other ladies he could have......whatever it is I pray I don't lose it.......I want to stay with him as long as I can or God lets me.......we aren't spring chickens any more so every moment counts......Have to remember to catch the bus and go up to the hospital for my monthly blood work......I can't go forgetting it....I hope it isn't raining then so I can walk home and save my travelling money......well, tomorrow's another day!!!!!

Feeling a little blue

I can't seem to get my mind working enough to write anything tonight but I'm going to because I have thoughts that I need to get out........and no, I haven't been dumped by Donnie.....nothing like that......YET...(in fact I wonder what the hell he even sees in me....maybe a good source for a piece of tail....I look good in the darkness..)  It didn't help that Rowena called today.....I miss her so bad it hurts.....Apparently she's coming home Monday..she and Art will be flying...they need to get all their stuff packed up and moved...accounts transferred..etc...ect...they plan to stay a little while; until all their business is seen to....could be a while....hopefully I'll get to spend lots of time with Rowena before she leaves for good.  I so hate the thought of her going and it hurts....we did so much together and now it seems as if a knife has been driven into my heart...I NEVER thought she'd leave us.....goes to show...a person can't predict life..life is like an ocean....the tide brings things in and the tide takes things out....that's how life goes.....I'm losing Rowena but for now I have Donnie, and I still have Nancy.....dear Nancy; she and I have been best friends since 1994 when I first started going to the centre....this is why I treasure the times I spend with my loved ones.....I could lose any of them at any moment....that's life.....could change at any time......I will definitely miss Rowena once she's gone...we were starting to do some interesting and fun things..all of us....she, Nancy and I...oh well....maybe some other things will open up for me.....one never knows!  I wish I weren't so damn ugly and fat.....it does very little for my self esteem (what little I do have)......what the hell does Donnie see in me other than someone to ride.....I know he cares but WHY?  why would ANYONE care about a piece of trash like me?

Blogging again

This is weird, I tried to access the site different ties and couldn't....I think a lot of it was due to my mind not thinking clearly...I hate it when my mind isn't working as it should...it can also get me into a lot of trouble if I'm not careful...Thankfully, my life is running along smoothly......if not happily.....Donnie and I are still an item...this weekend will make it two months.....hard to believe, isn't it?  I honestly didn't think I'd ever find someone..goes to show, no one can tell how life is going to go.......sometimes we can get a wonderful surprise.....this makes up for all the hell I went through with this illness and all the shit I had to endure in order to level my moods and give me a taste of what normality is like...my sex life has even come back!  I remember shutting Paul off in 2005....poor man...I had no reason other than being repulsed by him....I know I didn't love him for a long time but I sure tried.....now I'm making up for lost time I guess....plus I need the closeness.....yes, life is sure funny......I had some trouble with my moods back at the beginning and I was scared that I was getting sick again...but I was told it's completely normal to feel like that when you find  someone to date and love, whatever....LOVE is a strong word.....I like Donnie a whole lot....a WHOLE lot but time will turn it to love.....I want to know he loves me too before I "commit"..not commit as to getting married, but as in opening that last lock I have on my heart...the one I put there to protect myself from getting hurt (and sick) again....it's been there for many years.....I am not planning to EVER marry; I can't live with anyone, too unpredictable.......and once a man marries you he somehow becomes lord and master and you have to do everything he wants OR ELSE!!!!  some parts of marriage are okay but I choose to remain single and live my life the way I want.....selfish? maybe, but I just can't take the chance.....besides, Donnie went through two divorces himself so what is HE like to live with????  I prefer to date him and overlook his faults....we all have them...I have plenty myself....so we should take the best and leave the rest (if it isn't hurting anything)..anyway it sure feels great to go out and have a man on my arm....we've been walking the train bridge the last three weeks.....now that warmer weather is here we choose to walk rather than go to the legion..I LOVE walking, getting out in the fresh air and exercising.....we spend time at Tim Horton's too OF COURSE....even got out driving last Sunday despite the pouring rain...I love our drives.....conversation seems to come easier when we're driving along in the car....   my moods are level now (except maybe when we're being close and snuggly..) but that's DEFINITELY normal.....One concern:  I have an appointment with Dr Digby this Wednesday....they found an elevated level of creatna in my regular blood work...creatna  is produced by the kidneys so it's making me wonder....I had to go back last week for more blood work and also produce pee in a bottle.....I'm hoping and praying it's nothing serious......I have lots of good living ahead of me!!!!!

rough week

This week was spent in bed so sick with the flu I could only get up to go to the bathroom.....and I had so many hard coughing spells they caused me to pee my pants (many times)..it was just awful..God I was sick!  Anyway Donnie stepped up to the plate and drove me down to Oromocto where the wait for ER services wouldn't take as long as it does at the DECH..there were times when Paul and I waited more than 8 hours to be seen and gave up....so I was seen right away and the doctor prescribed me on two puffers..one to take twice a day and the other one to take whenever I start coughing...I'm hardly coughing at all now and I just couldn't thank Donnie enough for going above the line of friendship and doing that for me.....I was soooo sick I thought I was going to die....but NOW I feel like a new person.....Made it to the dance last night and had a really good time..I thought I wouldn't be doing any dances but I did...after a while or so we left and he took me to the Tim Horton's on the Woodstock Road (it's open all night)...oh this is all spoiling me....wow...I love it!  I think Donnie is a wonderful man...would be great if I don't lose him!!!!!!!!!!!

Things are looking good

I'm bone tired but I want to talk a little bit about the past few days; they were GOOD ones! First of all we DID go to the dance at the Legion (we being Donnie and I), and we danced the whole time....I loved it when we waltzed cause it gave us a chance to do some serious hugging....it's been SO long since I had a hug; it felt sooo good I hated to see it come to an end.  I love to be held; makes me feel like I matter even if it is only for a few minutes....anyway, Art and Ro came tot he dance too so along with Donnie I had someone else to talk to!  It was a really good night!  a special night, one I'll think of for a long time to come!
Saturday was "slow", not much happening, but then Sunday out of the blue I got a call from Donnie asking me if I'd like to go for a drive......you bet I would!!!  How long has it been since I've been out on a nice drive???  You won't believe this but he took me all the way to St Andrew's where we walked and talked along the edge of the sea.....we both love the sea, so that's something we have in common, along with liking to hear the older country music ....and more.....actually we're quite compatible..I could very easily fall for this man.....he's a true gentleman (at least he is to me)..I know he has skeletons in his closet, well, so do I..no one's perfect....Besides I'm not looking for someone to marry or even live together with....I'm getting what I want right now.....a trusted companion who can give me the little extras that the girls can't.....If he stops seeing me right now that will be okay too....that's how I survive now and keep my sanity, keep the illness at bay is to live for the moment....the here and now....yesterday's over, and tomorrow hasn't come, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.....So, yes, I 'm immersing myself  in the here and now....living, laughing, and loving!!!!!  I don't want to borrow problems from tomorrow or down the road.  I'm alive RIGHT NOW and I treasure it.
Had Ro and Nancy in Saturday and we had so much fun (as always)..I cooked up a nice clam chowder, took a bowlful over to Julian....there's someone I really care for and wish we could go out someplace and just talk (he's my computer man; has been since we moved here and I like him.....he's awesome!  Too bad he's such a loner, though.  Anyway Saturday went really well as it always does.
Today was bright and sunny and...WARM.....so I rounded up Ro and we walked to the Dollar Store, bought a few things (no impulse shopping for me, thank God....I had everything listed and it was stuff I needed..my total came to a little above $5)  I bought a notebok for my journal, some hair pins and a bag of elastics......big wow!!!  I have to be very careful with my money cause there's no one else to help me with it.....I'm on my own here (which I LOVE) and need to account for every penny...I know...I don't care for CHEAP people but now I understand..my  budget is very limited therefore it has to be guarded!!!!!  However I wasn't too cheap to have a Tim's with Ro before coming home!!!   I'm NEVER too cheap for Tim's!!!!!!

PHONE EAR

WOW, my ear has gone numb.so many phone calls....and all lengthly ....first one was Brian Giggey from the center; he's good for an hour, then Rowena called....there' another hour..and I hardly  had time to put the phone down when Donnie called, and he's long winded too.....it all adds up and the poor ear pays the price!  I don't usually get so many LONG phone calls all at once; tonight was an exception.  I'm glad that Donnie is still interested in being my friend; I hope he will take me out places so I can see more of life outside this apartment!  I'm hoping that we can make it to the Legion Friday night; I'm in the mood to kick up my heels and have a good time!!!!!!  Have to go up for blood work tomorrow......gives me a trip on the bus, and after the blood work is done I love to go to the little deli and order some banana bread and hot chocolate.......a little something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!

Date with Donnie A Success

All right I'll cut to the chase...I had a wonderful time with Donnie, and he asked me out again for next week!  He's just your average country bred guy but I find him likeable.  It did me a world of good to get out of the apartment and get out for a drive and see different things.  Spent an hour at Tim's (of course) WHERE ELSE????  anyway we were going to go to the Legion but the place was packed and we knew there would be no tables available (so we;re going to go earlier next week) I found it really easy to talk to him and am so happy and encouraged that he thought enough of me to want to go out again!!!!  He was going to take me out tomorrow night but Saturdays are reserved for Nancy and Rowena, he was okay with that.  I'm positively elated that my evening went the way it did and I may have found the companion that I've been looking for!!!!!!!!!!

A DATE WITH DONNIE

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this short cus I'm awfully tired (good, I need my sleep)  After going a couple of weeks without keeping in touch, Donnie called tonight and asked me out for tomorrow night.....I was surprised cus I thought he just wanted to chat...but no, this time is a date.  We're definitely going to Tim Horton's and possibly to the Legion to do some dancing...should make for a wonderful evening....All I want from him is to be a companion for me, to go places with...to give me things that my female friends can't.  I'm glad he already knows a bit about my being BP, and I also mentioned that I can't drink any kind of alcohol due to it reacting with my meds.....well, it turns out he gave up drinking a year ago.  I hope he asks me more about BP tomorrow and then I can fill him in with a few more details.  I pefer to be open and up front...don't want a guy wasting time and money on a relationship that's going nowhere. I must admit I am a little on the nervous side....gosh I haven't dated anyone for over 30 years...I met Paul in 1977, so it's been that long.....all I can do is just be myself and see how things go from there,,,I'm looking forward to it too!!!!

Back on Track

Thank God I'm able to take my tryptophan again!  I'm feeling really well, and even more important I'm getting my sleep!  Getting the proper amount of sleep makes a huge difference to me especially because I'm Bipolar.  Anyway last night Rowena and I attended a supporter's meeting (we were with Nancy, Rick too)...each member of the Borderline (EID) forum group were asked to bring in their strongest supporters to learn what the illness is all about and the many ways in which we can further support them.  I found it very interesting but poor Ro was overwhelmed by it all.  You see, she didn't have a lot of schooling but she makes up for it in coping with life skills......she knows so much more than I do, and I'm supposed to be so "book smart" as I call it!  Ro really loves Nancy and she does everything in her power to  help her, and myself.  The meeting lasted two hours and I was so happy to get out for a while..much as I love my apartment it can become rather smothering.  I need to keep getting out or my illness will be triggered by staying alone too long.  I got out grocery shopping today with Ro  and restocked most of my supplies; I need to go back and buy a few more things......It won't be tomorrow thanks to a huge blizzard that's headed this way; it will be going full force tomorrow with lots of snow and strong winds......I wouldn't care but it's going to cancel out our Girl's Days.....we all look forward to those, and not having it will be such a loss.....I can find things to do; I have no problem there..but I really want to spend the day with Ro and Nancy!!!

Sharon

Well, Sharon called first thing this morning and I told her what's going down with the Tenazepam and my blood work.  I know she can't talk to Dr Hoyt until Wednesday, and I don't know what she can do with the social services.....if they don't want to authorise the tenazepam then that's okay with me, even though that would mean that I'd have to  pay for the pills I have already taken I'm thinking it was close to 2 weeks....I told them not to dispense any more when I went to the pharmacy Monday.....I sure hope it won't cost me too much; I'm not rich you know!  That's why I have to go to social services in the first  place!! 

does mental health system care at all?

First of all, Art did bring his friend (Donnie Clayton) up to meet me, vice versa; we were all together here in the apartment so nothing happened.  He seemed nice enough and looked pretty good too.  Anyway I did get a call from him on Tuesday night and we talked close to an hour, so I kind of thought maybe he was going to ask me out.  Anything to brighten up my life.  But I haven't heard from him since and life continued on.  No hard feelings. No broken heart.I can live without Donnie Clayton or any other man.  I have my independence for a reason and I certainly don't want to lose it!!  I can't live with ANYBODY.....the last two years have proven that!
My Tryptophan still hasn't been authorized by Social Services,and the Pharmacy said if these pills are not authorized then I'll have to pay for the ones I have been given the last week or so.....so I told them not to dispense any more to me; I'll get by without them some how.  I don't have a whole lot of money to spend out on things like that. (they must be awfully expensive so I'm worried about the cost of what I've already taken)  I've gone two nights without them and I haven't encountered any difficulties yet  Maybe I don't really need them after all.  I can live with that.
Second concern, more important than the pills is that I was informed that my monthly blood work has come to an end after all these years of being tested regularly for lithium and then clozaril!  I've been tested every month since 1994 and now all of a sudden the policy is changed...the appointments stop after a year, then have to be renewed by the doctor. I called Central Scheduling who passed me over to Dr Hoyt...I called her office and she's going to be away till Wednesday!  The problem is that if the pharmacy doesn't receive my  blood work results then they can't give me any more clozaril.  I was pretty worried for a day or two but now that Donnie's out of the picture I don't have to try so hard to remain well. I can be myself. The system's going to hell in a hand basket anyway.  I can't relate to Dr Hoyt.  How I wish I had Dr Shahid back or even Dr Vayani......I knew I was safe with them.  Now I don' t feel safe at all.  So much for maintaining wellness.

Pill Progress

Well,I've been taking the tryptophan for over a week now and am not having any adverse effects!  They are helping me get to bed before 12, although I'd love to go to bed even sooner!  I feel calm inside and now that I passed
through that nasty spell with that bad cold my mood is very good, very positive!  Of course I realize that I feel uplifted today because it was my day to have Rowena and Nancy in...a tradition I hope and pray continues on for many years yet!  And apparently Art has a friend he wants to introduce me to Monday night......I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet......I know he wants to see me find someone, but even if I do I don't want to give up my independence....not for anyone......marriage doesn't work for me; I'm not fit for someone to live with..but I don't mind dating someone....getting out of the apartment and having a bit of fun.....anyway, I'm not even sure he'll show up or if he does, he will most likely not be very interested in me.  I'm long gone past looking good for a man.  Well, we'll see how things turn out; could be interesting.  Back to my Tryptophan, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take it because it hasn't been authorized by social services yet; the pharmacy has been good enough to keep advancing pills every couple of days, enough to tide me over.  They told me that SS sent a fax to Dr Hoyt with a bunch of questions on it so I'm afraid I may be discontinued from this medication.  I don't even know about hunting up another because my next appointment with her isn't until spring.  Aaahh there's always something.  I need to go back to the Pharmacy Monday anyway, maybe some news will be in for me.  I need these pills; they seem to be working well with the others and I feel emotionally perfect (if anyone can feel emotionally perfect)....I don't know why Dr Fab discontinued it so long ago but back then I was rapid cycling so bad it made treatment almost impossible.  I think I tried a lot of really good meds but I don't think I really turned the corner until I had all those ECTs; things have definitely changed for me!!!  I'm like a totally different person now!!!!!!!!!!

New Pills (tryptophan)

Ok, I've been taking the Tryptophan since Saturday, and haven't experienced any ill effects to my mind (yet). But I developed a sore throat and am unable to talk much (laryngitis) and I now have a headache (in the back of my head)..I took an Advil and it eased up the pain, but I did have a drop in my moods today; I was close to crying, felt really lonely here in my apartment.  The only thing I could do for it was to go down to the sitting room and hear some talking and laughing; after a while I was too. I feel more like myself now.  See, if I were still living in Harvey I wouldn't have this way of helping myself; I was extremely isolated out there and Paul wasn't much of a help.  Sometimes he was but not enough and he loved to get my crank going.  I don't think I can ever live in peace with someone; too moody, and I need my independence. Anyway, this entry is mostly a check on the Tryptophan, to make sure everything will be all right, because I don't have another appointment with Dr Hoyt until May 9.

New Medication???????!!!!!!!!!!

I've been doing really well lately (minus a few bad days) and I didn't feel like doing any writing; I felt it would be just a repetition of one day after another.  In other words, boring.  The only reason I'm bothering with this tonight is that Dr Hoyt prescribed a new medication for me to take for sleep since my Temazepam  stopped working.  I was starting to stay up till 2 or 3:00 again......I don't mind a late night once in a while but too many of them can get to me.  I told her the Temazepam was doing nothing for me so she suggested Tryptophan.  I'm concerned about this because I'm  sure I tried it way way back when I was seeing Dr Fab...(1991-2001)..and for some reason I didn't remain on it....I don't remember what it did to me because I had a rough road trying different meds and now I'm doing as well as I probably ever will be and I don't want to screw it up.  If she prescribed it PRN then I can limit it to nights when I can't settle to sleep. See, she doesn't know me at all; 3 or 4 15 minute sessions don't give her much of a chance to get to understand how my illness is working and where I'm at.....so she doesn't know about the difficulty I had while trying new meds. I'm afraid to take it on a regular basis.  God, it would be terrible if this med screws my mind again.  I'll see what they say at the pharmacy when I go over tomorrow.  I really hope I'm not jumping from the frying pan into the fryer!!!!!!