16 May

Haven't posted for a while but that's the way I want it; I don't like trying to write on days in which nothing much is happening...gets rather repetitive.  Anyway, Donnie is still a major part of my life and that's great..and not so great.  I've gone and crossed over the line between friendship into completely  falling  for him....oh Lord....I promised myself after Paul died that I'd never open my heart up to anyone ever again....I always acted so stupid when I was first in love with him....now I have to watch out for it happening again.....Last night he was a bit late calling and I had myself all worked up and headed into a down.....stupid, stupid, stupid!  I vowed there would be no more histrionic antics no matter what!  The wonderful thing about it is that I was able to talk myself up and out of it....and by then he had called....I can be such an idiot!  I don't mind loving him but without the foolishness......I want to live and let live as I have since living on my own.....I do have a fear that he'll eventually [down the road] drop me like he did Natalie...but for now I'll live a day at a time and not project into the future [not good]...if he does drop me then I'll suck it up, go through the depression and then go on.  But for now TODAY I'm so in love with him I'm grinning all the time....people here are telling me how much  better I look now....I suppose I do if I'm sporting a huge smile when they see me!  This sure beats depression or even neutrality!  This gives me something to look forward and to savor AND I DO MEAN SAVOR when I'm with him.  It still amazes me that he would go out with me when there's so many other ladies he could have......whatever it is I pray I don't lose it.......I want to stay with him as long as I can or God lets me.......we aren't spring chickens any more so every moment counts......Have to remember to catch the bus and go up to the hospital for my monthly blood work......I can't go forgetting it....I hope it isn't raining then so I can walk home and save my travelling money......well, tomorrow's another day!!!!!

Feeling a little blue

I can't seem to get my mind working enough to write anything tonight but I'm going to because I have thoughts that I need to get out........and no, I haven't been dumped by Donnie.....nothing like that......YET...(in fact I wonder what the hell he even sees in me....maybe a good source for a piece of tail....I look good in the darkness..)  It didn't help that Rowena called today.....I miss her so bad it hurts.....Apparently she's coming home Monday..she and Art will be flying...they need to get all their stuff packed up and moved...accounts transferred..etc...ect...they plan to stay a little while; until all their business is seen to....could be a while....hopefully I'll get to spend lots of time with Rowena before she leaves for good.  I so hate the thought of her going and it hurts....we did so much together and now it seems as if a knife has been driven into my heart...I NEVER thought she'd leave us.....goes to show...a person can't predict life..life is like an ocean....the tide brings things in and the tide takes things out....that's how life goes.....I'm losing Rowena but for now I have Donnie, and I still have Nancy.....dear Nancy; she and I have been best friends since 1994 when I first started going to the centre....this is why I treasure the times I spend with my loved ones.....I could lose any of them at any moment....that's life.....could change at any time......I will definitely miss Rowena once she's gone...we were starting to do some interesting and fun things..all of us....she, Nancy and I...oh well....maybe some other things will open up for me.....one never knows!  I wish I weren't so damn ugly and fat.....it does very little for my self esteem (what little I do have)......what the hell does Donnie see in me other than someone to ride.....I know he cares but WHY?  why would ANYONE care about a piece of trash like me?