Kind of Nervous Feeling

I haven't posted anything for a couple of days so I thought I should get around to it tonight, even if it isn't very much of substance.  My activity level was low with the major activity of the day  being taking a trip to Sobey's to load up on some great sales. I  have absolutely NO motivation when I'm alone..much as I wish to God I had more......being unable to push myself out the door is keeping me prisoner in my apartment.......and we all know what THAT will do to me.....I'm just great when Rowena or someone else shows up to spur me along..but it really bothers me that I have such a tough time moving on my own.  I'm missing Paul tonight too something terrible...wish he hadn't gotten sick and died on me.he was my crutch...always had me going. He was always there when I needed him. I love my independence but there's times I can't help but feel lonely.  I'd love to meet someone new but I'm afraid I'm too old now.....56 would seem terribly ancient to anyone under 50....so I'm resigning myself to living out the rest of my life on my own......sad..I need to find someone to love......I'm also worried about the sleep walking that I started doing in the last couple of weeks.....the first two nights saw me turning up the heat in the bedroom (which I always keep cold)...I .awoke to a hot room and I could feel the heat radiating  from the register!!  I got up and turned the thermostat back off, and then the same thing happened the following night...I got smart and covered the thermostat with duct tape figuring that would outsmart me....It seems to have so far but the next thing I pulled was to unplug ALL the appliances in the bedroom (clock, radio,fan, etc)  Don't know how to outsmart that one.....I used to sleep walk a lot years ago but thank God Paul was still with me and he usually caught me before I did anything too bad......makes me afraid to go to sleep.....I suppose I'll have to bring this up with Dr Hoyt; I have an appointment with her Oct 5......I'll have to make sure to write everything down 'cause the session only lasts 15 minutes..not very long.  I find I'm getting impatient with people when I'm in a long line up (I was never like that..line ups didn't bother me especially if I found someone to talk to)  and I'm SO JEALOUS of people who aren't fat like me....I don't like to hear of them succeeding at Weight Watchers or Curves or any of them ..it's because my pills have sabotaged my efforts....nothing is working....NOTHING.....if I had the guts I'd stop taking the Clozaril; I know it's the culprit.....this really discourages me in a big way.  A BIG way, get it????  I have no self esteem left at all....I'm ugly, fat and OLD.  I really don't have anything to hope for in the days ahead, just wondering when I'm going to die.  I truly wish things would change for me but I honestly can't foresee it.  And on that note........so long.