Feelin' Low

This isn't a very good night for me......my mood is dropping into low (my payment for (enjoying?) the spell of mania I had earlier this week...I knew this was going to come, it always does..but it doesn't make it any easier for me...also I'm missing Paul something terrible......not the way he was when he was sick, but the Paul I loved out in Harvey....moving him in from the country didn't do him any favours....he was unhappy here,I know it.  A man needs a yard to putter around in..work on his cars, the gardens, ect....I blame myself and my illness for not being able to stay in Harvey.  As far as that goes I miss the puttering and yard work too....the house; I loved my house....I miss little Buddy and the cats (Maxx and Henry)....all of it, but I was just plain getting TOO sick due to the isolation (I guess)..and all the strife we were going through with the people there..knowing now what I should have known then I don't blame the people any more...Paul's personality was changing even then due to that aneurysm in his brain.  Rowena didn't make it up tonight because she's having a LOT of pain from arthritis...I think she has fibromialgia because the pain is everywhere as arthritis is more localised.  I feel sad that she has to suffer like that; she's such a sprightly, positive little person and an inspiration to me.  I think I'm relying on her too much for companionship, though.  It's because she keeps the loneliness at bay.  I'm being hit full blast tonight...depression is moving in, I miss Paul so much it hurts.....I miss going out singing with him.....travelling.....I need human contact but I sure won't get it at this hour.  I could phone the crisis line but this isn't a crisis.....I'm not suicidal, just sad.......low.  This illness is getting so much more difficult to cope with......I was perfectly level for 2 or 3 years..can't remember exactly.....my fault for not keeping any journals for a time.  Now I'm swinging like Tarzan and the only reason I can think of is that my medications need to be adjusted.  And that I definitely don't want.  Dr Hoyt hardly knows me and so that leaves a lot of room for error.....I went through that with Dr Fab..he tried me on just about everything....he played "medication roulette" with me and I suffered for it.  Dr Shahid was more steady at the helm, trying only a few meds like Seroquel, which worked but it caused me to put on quite a bit of weight.  He knew me so well he could tell exactly where I was just by looking at me.  (he was also the one who talked me into having the ECT treatments..not so good)....I can handle this but it hurts.  It's the loneliness that is hitting me the hardest.  I'd love to be dating and having some fun but there's not much chance of me ever meeting anyone 'cause I don't go to where the guys are.  I figure if it's meant for me to find someone then it will be so.  Just like Paul was brought into my life by a series of co incidences..we were meant to be.  Maybe if I go to bed and have a good sleep I'll wake up in the morning bright and cheery once again.