I'm scared

My lack of sleep and rest is starting to get to me..I noticed it in particular today.  It's weird the way I'm feeling.  All day even though I had Nancy and Rowena in I kept feeling as though I were in a netherland somewhere, that this was not my apartment and I'd have to go soon, I had many odd thoughts...and not so good either.  I've been hallucinating quite heavily, so heavily that it scared me.  No one likes hallucinations.  I certainly don't plan to tell anyone (as if there were someone to tell; I don't have a worker any more)...So basically I'll have to put up with this until I see Dr Hoyt in December..there's no way my appointment can be bumped ahead because it lies heavily on the new ,medications that I'm trying. I really hope they do the job so that I can be taken off the Clozaril....I've taken on too much weight already from the Clozaril....and the Dr seems to think this Abilify will do just the opposite.  Well, I'm long gone past the belief in fairy tales....I do so want to take these pounds off but I've given up hope.  Dr Digby was right in wanting to reach Dr Hoyt because I'm not well and am on that slippery slope back into the hospital (please tell me it isn't so)  I hate that place.  They;re not even allowed to "coddle" anyone lest tey decide they want to stay longer.  I hardly think so.  I wouldn't mind some coddling but when it came time to come home then that would be it; I'd be glad to get out of there.  I don't know why they think they can't do little kindnesses that might make a patient feel  a little more positive.  They used to when I first was admitted in 1991....I appreciated the kind words, little favors run...the hand on my shoulder,long talks......what's wrong with showing someone a little attention?  Now they hardly look at you, even the ones who have ECT done...everyone is treated the same..coldly and indifferently...it's a crying shame that things have swung so far in this direction.  Hospitals are SUPPOSED to be comforting, not a place where the patients are treated like criminals!