Rough Day

I'm really tired now after stuffing myself with enough Rivotrils to help me make it through this day which was a terribly difficult one.  For most of the day I was soooo depressed and miserable that I didn't get off the couch; I just couldn't; the strain of the depression made it virtually impossible to move.I felt as though I were in a prison, locked in and forgotten even by my friends.  I welled up with sadness but was unable to cry...and crying was the release I so desperately needed....it hurts so bad when I can't shed any tears at all; it keeps gathering inside my soul until the one day comes that I CAN release it.  I felt that I was being abandoned by everyone; that it was because I was so down.  Most people don't know how to handle a person who is on the bottom....me included..all I can do is hug him and rub his back.....not much but I know it sure is comforting....Thinking of having to face Dr Hoyt tomorrow depressed me even further.....there won't be much accomplished in that session....how much can be done with a time limit of only 15 minutes?  I also had my plans shot down, which was to walk to the center but the weather is calling for rain, rain and more rain.....so I called Art & Rowena and they're going to drive me over....if I couldn't get them I was going to try for my worker and if I was unable to contact her then I was going to cancel.  I don't want her seeing me in a low state of mind....I really don't want any adjustments made to my meds.....it's because they make me too fat.....I'd sooner suffer these mood swings than be prescribed something that will blow me up like a balloon as many did.  I still don't weigh what I wish I did....maybe I never will.  I don't like pills or drugs...I would like to find the holistic approach to this.  Anyway..MOOD CHANGE...Rowena showed up to spend a couple hours with me (she had a cup o'Tim's for me too!)  I was under the impression that she was staying away because I was so depressed, but I was wrong! Thank God!  I cheered up very quickly and kept going into a high.....I took a couple of Rivotril to bring it down so I can sleep tonight!  I can't afford to stay up all night because I need to be ready to go to that appointment after lunch.  Get it out of the way.  I want to be positive when I go in there, talk about a few banalities and then get out.  You can't know a patient when you only see him for only 15 minutes at a shot only 3 or 4 months apart.  I don't know what I WOULD  do if something serious were to happen to me!!!!