My Blog is Back!

Hey!  Got my blog back after a ton of hassle on the computer...oh, I missed it so!  It's my journal, basically and I hate trying to write with paper and pen; this way i so much quicker and thus more is said.  I rely on my blog (as I did my journals) to help  with my memory.  So   much is happening in my life and I don't want  to lose any of it!
Since I didn't get to write anything for yesterday I'll summarize.  I decided to get out to church because I wanted to start back in the choir...after nearly 2 years I thought I was ready.  I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought; it took everything I could to stop falling asleep right there in the pew  :o(  I think I may have made myself some enemies (they probably thought I was a street person and drunk on top of it)  I get these WEAK SPELLS quite often but they're no due to alcohol.  After the service was over I headed for the  back room with everyone else to enjoy a sandwich and coffee. I might as well been a lump of stinking dog poop.....they all stayed clear of me..there were no welcoming words for me..nothing, just snubs.  OK that could go both ways.  Determined to never step foot inside that church again I put on my jacket and left.  I felt so discouraged that the walk home, I could have cried.  I want to find a church to attend (and sing in the choir) but it may be a tougher hunt than I first realized.  I do know that I'll never return to StPaul's.
Along with these weak spells I'm starting to hallucinate ....I hope it isn't caused by the ABILIFY...I need it so I can stop the Clozaril and maybe have a small stab at losing some of this ugly fat.  I read the sheet that came with the Abilify and there's no mention of weight gain...and that's what I'm after..a chance at losing some of this weight  I hate how it makes me feel; it's harder for my body to move around...and then there's the cosmetic side.  I weigh 183 right now and it just kills me.  My moods seem to be heading towards level again; I think the Abilify  should be thanked for that and I don't (I pray I don't) lose it...I have these spells where I feel totally high and out of body (this is not mania......I nod off (like I did in church),  it takes everything in me to get up and walk (without staggering)...and I'm doing my share of hallucinating.  Sleep is starting to return.......made it through the whole night last night,but slept past the early morning (which I don't want to do..I LOVE the early mornings, seeing the darkness being chased away by daylight....the solitude; you don't see ANYONE  around...knowing I won't miss any more functions like the ones I lost out on this summer.  I want to get out of tat bed and enjoy as many things as I can!  BUT I'M SLEEPING AGAIN, anyway.  We'll see how long it lasts.
This is weird, strange, but I felt Paul's presence around the apartment all day (and into the evening_  sometimes I'd see him, just a flash....but his presence was very strong He knows I miss him but there's nothing that can be done. I wonder if he wants to help me find Mr Right..someone who will love me, take care of me..all the things Paul did before the aneurysm took him away.  In the evening it felt like he had gone out for the evening (maybe to a fiddle jam?) and would be home later.  It was eerie.  I didn't even feel right myself; that this wasn't my home and I'd have to head out later..my head felt suspended above my body......strange thoughts.....and then you can't forget those HALLUCINATIONS!!!!  I think I'm on the slippery slope to another episode and I pray to God I'm not.  I don't have Paul to come in and cheer me any more.  2SE can be TERRIBLY DISMAL if you don't have company.