Feeling Lonely

I found this to be an extra long day because I didn't go outside or anything....it was just too cold...I know, I need to get used to it because we're looking down the throat of winter; could get snow any time.  Even though Alice popped by at  noon with a Tim's coffee for me, as well as three Sobey's cards (was supposed to be my Christmas present but I need them now)..this is the first time my finances got so low since I took over  them after Paul died.  The reason I'm skating by on $32 is because I spent $100 on the lazy boy chair that Susan had for sale; I don't usually spend that much at once but I really needed the chair...I don't plan to make any more major purchases in the days ahead....that;s it.  On my small income I really can't afford it.  I need another computer chair to replace this one but I plan to spend very little.  So Alice gave me the cards early so I'll have them to buy groceries should I run out ( I bought some milk to hopefully see me through a few more days, thinking I wouldn't have any money for it.....this has to last till the end of this month and that's a long time away when I don't have the cash money.  I'll be able to make it now, thanks to Alice......I wish she could have come in though because loneliness is starting to get to me.  I need to feel that I matter.  Loved?  I need male companionship, someone who could give me a hug now and then...I don't like hugging women ; I need a man for that.  Not cheap sex.  Just support, closeness, warmth...all the things I'm lacking in my life.  Sometimes I wish that I had been the one to die instead of Paul.  I knew i'd be lonely but I have tried to stay tough and not let any of this get me down.  It isn't easy.  Rowena hasn't been up yet, and I always feel better when she's here with me; must be something on the go; she's usually here.  Oh I'll make it through this; I always do, but I could sure use a heaping helping of pure happiness.