I need a Purpose

This morning started out on a very depressing note; I felt so horrible and beaten that I just plain couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed until mid morning.  I felt so depressed all I could do was dig down deeper under the covers and close my eyes, wishing to God it would go away.  I hate depression; it always steals away so much that is valuable in my life.  I'm afraid of depression and the power that it has over me..........but there's only one who can fight against this depression....and that's........me.  I managed to drag myself out of bed and make myself breakfast and go on to do my regular mundane chores...I knew I had to force myself to go to the store and pick up some groceries..FORCE is the key word here......and I did.....I wrestled away the stranglehold of the depression and FORCED myself to go over there and shop.....and I did.....my mood was starting to lift anyway but it was still a long way from the top.  Didn't do much after I came back home; just sat and did some reading and then had a nap.  Being alone is really getting to me; sometimes I love it and other times I feel so needy, wish I had someone here with me.  After that stupid episode I just had I feel nervous at the thought of not having someone to care for me, to care enough to save me from myself.....I don't think I'll ever meet another person like Paul ....so I have to find the  strength to go it alone...totally alone.....Tonight I decided to go down to the sitting room and visit with whoever would be there; it looked very festive with tree and decorations....(Christmas...that's another story) but it as nice down there.  Just listening to and seeing other people around brought me to a more positive state of mind.  Not the best but still much much better than this morning.  I know now why I don't get up early and stay up.........it's because I feel that I have nothing to get up for....I wish I could change that but I don't know how.  I ....don't......know....how.