16 May

Haven't posted for a while but that's the way I want it; I don't like trying to write on days in which nothing much is happening...gets rather repetitive.  Anyway, Donnie is still a major part of my life and that's great..and not so great.  I've gone and crossed over the line between friendship into completely  falling  for him....oh Lord....I promised myself after Paul died that I'd never open my heart up to anyone ever again....I always acted so stupid when I was first in love with him....now I have to watch out for it happening again.....Last night he was a bit late calling and I had myself all worked up and headed into a down.....stupid, stupid, stupid!  I vowed there would be no more histrionic antics no matter what!  The wonderful thing about it is that I was able to talk myself up and out of it....and by then he had called....I can be such an idiot!  I don't mind loving him but without the foolishness......I want to live and let live as I have since living on my own.....I do have a fear that he'll eventually [down the road] drop me like he did Natalie...but for now I'll live a day at a time and not project into the future [not good]...if he does drop me then I'll suck it up, go through the depression and then go on.  But for now TODAY I'm so in love with him I'm grinning all the time....people here are telling me how much  better I look now....I suppose I do if I'm sporting a huge smile when they see me!  This sure beats depression or even neutrality!  This gives me something to look forward and to savor AND I DO MEAN SAVOR when I'm with him.  It still amazes me that he would go out with me when there's so many other ladies he could have......whatever it is I pray I don't lose it.......I want to stay with him as long as I can or God lets me.......we aren't spring chickens any more so every moment counts......Have to remember to catch the bus and go up to the hospital for my monthly blood work......I can't go forgetting it....I hope it isn't raining then so I can walk home and save my travelling money......well, tomorrow's another day!!!!!

Feeling a little blue

I can't seem to get my mind working enough to write anything tonight but I'm going to because I have thoughts that I need to get out........and no, I haven't been dumped by Donnie.....nothing like that......YET...(in fact I wonder what the hell he even sees in me....maybe a good source for a piece of tail....I look good in the darkness..)  It didn't help that Rowena called today.....I miss her so bad it hurts.....Apparently she's coming home Monday..she and Art will be flying...they need to get all their stuff packed up and moved...accounts transferred..etc...ect...they plan to stay a little while; until all their business is seen to....could be a while....hopefully I'll get to spend lots of time with Rowena before she leaves for good.  I so hate the thought of her going and it hurts....we did so much together and now it seems as if a knife has been driven into my heart...I NEVER thought she'd leave us.....goes to show...a person can't predict life..life is like an ocean....the tide brings things in and the tide takes things out....that's how life goes.....I'm losing Rowena but for now I have Donnie, and I still have Nancy.....dear Nancy; she and I have been best friends since 1994 when I first started going to the centre....this is why I treasure the times I spend with my loved ones.....I could lose any of them at any moment....that's life.....could change at any time......I will definitely miss Rowena once she's gone...we were starting to do some interesting and fun things..all of us....she, Nancy and I...oh well....maybe some other things will open up for me.....one never knows!  I wish I weren't so damn ugly and fat.....it does very little for my self esteem (what little I do have)......what the hell does Donnie see in me other than someone to ride.....I know he cares but WHY?  why would ANYONE care about a piece of trash like me?

Blogging again

This is weird, I tried to access the site different ties and couldn't....I think a lot of it was due to my mind not thinking clearly...I hate it when my mind isn't working as it should...it can also get me into a lot of trouble if I'm not careful...Thankfully, my life is running along smoothly......if not happily.....Donnie and I are still an item...this weekend will make it two months.....hard to believe, isn't it?  I honestly didn't think I'd ever find someone..goes to show, no one can tell how life is going to go.......sometimes we can get a wonderful surprise.....this makes up for all the hell I went through with this illness and all the shit I had to endure in order to level my moods and give me a taste of what normality is like...my sex life has even come back!  I remember shutting Paul off in 2005....poor man...I had no reason other than being repulsed by him....I know I didn't love him for a long time but I sure tried.....now I'm making up for lost time I guess....plus I need the closeness.....yes, life is sure funny......I had some trouble with my moods back at the beginning and I was scared that I was getting sick again...but I was told it's completely normal to feel like that when you find  someone to date and love, whatever....LOVE is a strong word.....I like Donnie a whole lot....a WHOLE lot but time will turn it to love.....I want to know he loves me too before I "commit"..not commit as to getting married, but as in opening that last lock I have on my heart...the one I put there to protect myself from getting hurt (and sick) again....it's been there for many years.....I am not planning to EVER marry; I can't live with anyone, too unpredictable.......and once a man marries you he somehow becomes lord and master and you have to do everything he wants OR ELSE!!!!  some parts of marriage are okay but I choose to remain single and live my life the way I want.....selfish? maybe, but I just can't take the chance.....besides, Donnie went through two divorces himself so what is HE like to live with????  I prefer to date him and overlook his faults....we all have them...I have plenty myself....so we should take the best and leave the rest (if it isn't hurting anything)..anyway it sure feels great to go out and have a man on my arm....we've been walking the train bridge the last three weeks.....now that warmer weather is here we choose to walk rather than go to the legion..I LOVE walking, getting out in the fresh air and exercising.....we spend time at Tim Horton's too OF COURSE....even got out driving last Sunday despite the pouring rain...I love our drives.....conversation seems to come easier when we're driving along in the car....   my moods are level now (except maybe when we're being close and snuggly..) but that's DEFINITELY normal.....One concern:  I have an appointment with Dr Digby this Wednesday....they found an elevated level of creatna in my regular blood work...creatna  is produced by the kidneys so it's making me wonder....I had to go back last week for more blood work and also produce pee in a bottle.....I'm hoping and praying it's nothing serious......I have lots of good living ahead of me!!!!!

rough week

This week was spent in bed so sick with the flu I could only get up to go to the bathroom.....and I had so many hard coughing spells they caused me to pee my pants (many times)..it was just awful..God I was sick!  Anyway Donnie stepped up to the plate and drove me down to Oromocto where the wait for ER services wouldn't take as long as it does at the DECH..there were times when Paul and I waited more than 8 hours to be seen and gave up....so I was seen right away and the doctor prescribed me on two puffers..one to take twice a day and the other one to take whenever I start coughing...I'm hardly coughing at all now and I just couldn't thank Donnie enough for going above the line of friendship and doing that for me.....I was soooo sick I thought I was going to die....but NOW I feel like a new person.....Made it to the dance last night and had a really good time..I thought I wouldn't be doing any dances but I did...after a while or so we left and he took me to the Tim Horton's on the Woodstock Road (it's open all night)...oh this is all spoiling me....wow...I love it!  I think Donnie is a wonderful man...would be great if I don't lose him!!!!!!!!!!!

Things are looking good

I'm bone tired but I want to talk a little bit about the past few days; they were GOOD ones! First of all we DID go to the dance at the Legion (we being Donnie and I), and we danced the whole time....I loved it when we waltzed cause it gave us a chance to do some serious hugging....it's been SO long since I had a hug; it felt sooo good I hated to see it come to an end.  I love to be held; makes me feel like I matter even if it is only for a few minutes....anyway, Art and Ro came tot he dance too so along with Donnie I had someone else to talk to!  It was a really good night!  a special night, one I'll think of for a long time to come!
Saturday was "slow", not much happening, but then Sunday out of the blue I got a call from Donnie asking me if I'd like to go for a drive......you bet I would!!!  How long has it been since I've been out on a nice drive???  You won't believe this but he took me all the way to St Andrew's where we walked and talked along the edge of the sea.....we both love the sea, so that's something we have in common, along with liking to hear the older country music ....and more.....actually we're quite compatible..I could very easily fall for this man.....he's a true gentleman (at least he is to me)..I know he has skeletons in his closet, well, so do I..no one's perfect....Besides I'm not looking for someone to marry or even live together with....I'm getting what I want right now.....a trusted companion who can give me the little extras that the girls can't.....If he stops seeing me right now that will be okay too....that's how I survive now and keep my sanity, keep the illness at bay is to live for the moment....the here and now....yesterday's over, and tomorrow hasn't come, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.....So, yes, I 'm immersing myself  in the here and now....living, laughing, and loving!!!!!  I don't want to borrow problems from tomorrow or down the road.  I'm alive RIGHT NOW and I treasure it.
Had Ro and Nancy in Saturday and we had so much fun (as always)..I cooked up a nice clam chowder, took a bowlful over to Julian....there's someone I really care for and wish we could go out someplace and just talk (he's my computer man; has been since we moved here and I like him.....he's awesome!  Too bad he's such a loner, though.  Anyway Saturday went really well as it always does.
Today was bright and sunny and...WARM.....so I rounded up Ro and we walked to the Dollar Store, bought a few things (no impulse shopping for me, thank God....I had everything listed and it was stuff I needed..my total came to a little above $5)  I bought a notebok for my journal, some hair pins and a bag of elastics......big wow!!!  I have to be very careful with my money cause there's no one else to help me with it.....I'm on my own here (which I LOVE) and need to account for every penny...I know...I don't care for CHEAP people but now I understand..my  budget is very limited therefore it has to be guarded!!!!!  However I wasn't too cheap to have a Tim's with Ro before coming home!!!   I'm NEVER too cheap for Tim's!!!!!!

PHONE EAR

WOW, my ear has gone numb.so many phone calls....and all lengthly ....first one was Brian Giggey from the center; he's good for an hour, then Rowena called....there' another hour..and I hardly  had time to put the phone down when Donnie called, and he's long winded too.....it all adds up and the poor ear pays the price!  I don't usually get so many LONG phone calls all at once; tonight was an exception.  I'm glad that Donnie is still interested in being my friend; I hope he will take me out places so I can see more of life outside this apartment!  I'm hoping that we can make it to the Legion Friday night; I'm in the mood to kick up my heels and have a good time!!!!!!  Have to go up for blood work tomorrow......gives me a trip on the bus, and after the blood work is done I love to go to the little deli and order some banana bread and hot chocolate.......a little something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!

Date with Donnie A Success

All right I'll cut to the chase...I had a wonderful time with Donnie, and he asked me out again for next week!  He's just your average country bred guy but I find him likeable.  It did me a world of good to get out of the apartment and get out for a drive and see different things.  Spent an hour at Tim's (of course) WHERE ELSE????  anyway we were going to go to the Legion but the place was packed and we knew there would be no tables available (so we;re going to go earlier next week) I found it really easy to talk to him and am so happy and encouraged that he thought enough of me to want to go out again!!!!  He was going to take me out tomorrow night but Saturdays are reserved for Nancy and Rowena, he was okay with that.  I'm positively elated that my evening went the way it did and I may have found the companion that I've been looking for!!!!!!!!!!

A DATE WITH DONNIE

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this short cus I'm awfully tired (good, I need my sleep)  After going a couple of weeks without keeping in touch, Donnie called tonight and asked me out for tomorrow night.....I was surprised cus I thought he just wanted to chat...but no, this time is a date.  We're definitely going to Tim Horton's and possibly to the Legion to do some dancing...should make for a wonderful evening....All I want from him is to be a companion for me, to go places with...to give me things that my female friends can't.  I'm glad he already knows a bit about my being BP, and I also mentioned that I can't drink any kind of alcohol due to it reacting with my meds.....well, it turns out he gave up drinking a year ago.  I hope he asks me more about BP tomorrow and then I can fill him in with a few more details.  I pefer to be open and up front...don't want a guy wasting time and money on a relationship that's going nowhere. I must admit I am a little on the nervous side....gosh I haven't dated anyone for over 30 years...I met Paul in 1977, so it's been that long.....all I can do is just be myself and see how things go from there,,,I'm looking forward to it too!!!!

Back on Track

Thank God I'm able to take my tryptophan again!  I'm feeling really well, and even more important I'm getting my sleep!  Getting the proper amount of sleep makes a huge difference to me especially because I'm Bipolar.  Anyway last night Rowena and I attended a supporter's meeting (we were with Nancy, Rick too)...each member of the Borderline (EID) forum group were asked to bring in their strongest supporters to learn what the illness is all about and the many ways in which we can further support them.  I found it very interesting but poor Ro was overwhelmed by it all.  You see, she didn't have a lot of schooling but she makes up for it in coping with life skills......she knows so much more than I do, and I'm supposed to be so "book smart" as I call it!  Ro really loves Nancy and she does everything in her power to  help her, and myself.  The meeting lasted two hours and I was so happy to get out for a while..much as I love my apartment it can become rather smothering.  I need to keep getting out or my illness will be triggered by staying alone too long.  I got out grocery shopping today with Ro  and restocked most of my supplies; I need to go back and buy a few more things......It won't be tomorrow thanks to a huge blizzard that's headed this way; it will be going full force tomorrow with lots of snow and strong winds......I wouldn't care but it's going to cancel out our Girl's Days.....we all look forward to those, and not having it will be such a loss.....I can find things to do; I have no problem there..but I really want to spend the day with Ro and Nancy!!!

Sharon

Well, Sharon called first thing this morning and I told her what's going down with the Tenazepam and my blood work.  I know she can't talk to Dr Hoyt until Wednesday, and I don't know what she can do with the social services.....if they don't want to authorise the tenazepam then that's okay with me, even though that would mean that I'd have to  pay for the pills I have already taken I'm thinking it was close to 2 weeks....I told them not to dispense any more when I went to the pharmacy Monday.....I sure hope it won't cost me too much; I'm not rich you know!  That's why I have to go to social services in the first  place!! 

does mental health system care at all?

First of all, Art did bring his friend (Donnie Clayton) up to meet me, vice versa; we were all together here in the apartment so nothing happened.  He seemed nice enough and looked pretty good too.  Anyway I did get a call from him on Tuesday night and we talked close to an hour, so I kind of thought maybe he was going to ask me out.  Anything to brighten up my life.  But I haven't heard from him since and life continued on.  No hard feelings. No broken heart.I can live without Donnie Clayton or any other man.  I have my independence for a reason and I certainly don't want to lose it!!  I can't live with ANYBODY.....the last two years have proven that!
My Tryptophan still hasn't been authorized by Social Services,and the Pharmacy said if these pills are not authorized then I'll have to pay for the ones I have been given the last week or so.....so I told them not to dispense any more to me; I'll get by without them some how.  I don't have a whole lot of money to spend out on things like that. (they must be awfully expensive so I'm worried about the cost of what I've already taken)  I've gone two nights without them and I haven't encountered any difficulties yet  Maybe I don't really need them after all.  I can live with that.
Second concern, more important than the pills is that I was informed that my monthly blood work has come to an end after all these years of being tested regularly for lithium and then clozaril!  I've been tested every month since 1994 and now all of a sudden the policy is changed...the appointments stop after a year, then have to be renewed by the doctor. I called Central Scheduling who passed me over to Dr Hoyt...I called her office and she's going to be away till Wednesday!  The problem is that if the pharmacy doesn't receive my  blood work results then they can't give me any more clozaril.  I was pretty worried for a day or two but now that Donnie's out of the picture I don't have to try so hard to remain well. I can be myself. The system's going to hell in a hand basket anyway.  I can't relate to Dr Hoyt.  How I wish I had Dr Shahid back or even Dr Vayani......I knew I was safe with them.  Now I don' t feel safe at all.  So much for maintaining wellness.

Pill Progress

Well,I've been taking the tryptophan for over a week now and am not having any adverse effects!  They are helping me get to bed before 12, although I'd love to go to bed even sooner!  I feel calm inside and now that I passed
through that nasty spell with that bad cold my mood is very good, very positive!  Of course I realize that I feel uplifted today because it was my day to have Rowena and Nancy in...a tradition I hope and pray continues on for many years yet!  And apparently Art has a friend he wants to introduce me to Monday night......I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet......I know he wants to see me find someone, but even if I do I don't want to give up my independence....not for anyone......marriage doesn't work for me; I'm not fit for someone to live with..but I don't mind dating someone....getting out of the apartment and having a bit of fun.....anyway, I'm not even sure he'll show up or if he does, he will most likely not be very interested in me.  I'm long gone past looking good for a man.  Well, we'll see how things turn out; could be interesting.  Back to my Tryptophan, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take it because it hasn't been authorized by social services yet; the pharmacy has been good enough to keep advancing pills every couple of days, enough to tide me over.  They told me that SS sent a fax to Dr Hoyt with a bunch of questions on it so I'm afraid I may be discontinued from this medication.  I don't even know about hunting up another because my next appointment with her isn't until spring.  Aaahh there's always something.  I need to go back to the Pharmacy Monday anyway, maybe some news will be in for me.  I need these pills; they seem to be working well with the others and I feel emotionally perfect (if anyone can feel emotionally perfect)....I don't know why Dr Fab discontinued it so long ago but back then I was rapid cycling so bad it made treatment almost impossible.  I think I tried a lot of really good meds but I don't think I really turned the corner until I had all those ECTs; things have definitely changed for me!!!  I'm like a totally different person now!!!!!!!!!!

New Pills (tryptophan)

Ok, I've been taking the Tryptophan since Saturday, and haven't experienced any ill effects to my mind (yet). But I developed a sore throat and am unable to talk much (laryngitis) and I now have a headache (in the back of my head)..I took an Advil and it eased up the pain, but I did have a drop in my moods today; I was close to crying, felt really lonely here in my apartment.  The only thing I could do for it was to go down to the sitting room and hear some talking and laughing; after a while I was too. I feel more like myself now.  See, if I were still living in Harvey I wouldn't have this way of helping myself; I was extremely isolated out there and Paul wasn't much of a help.  Sometimes he was but not enough and he loved to get my crank going.  I don't think I can ever live in peace with someone; too moody, and I need my independence. Anyway, this entry is mostly a check on the Tryptophan, to make sure everything will be all right, because I don't have another appointment with Dr Hoyt until May 9.

New Medication???????!!!!!!!!!!

I've been doing really well lately (minus a few bad days) and I didn't feel like doing any writing; I felt it would be just a repetition of one day after another.  In other words, boring.  The only reason I'm bothering with this tonight is that Dr Hoyt prescribed a new medication for me to take for sleep since my Temazepam  stopped working.  I was starting to stay up till 2 or 3:00 again......I don't mind a late night once in a while but too many of them can get to me.  I told her the Temazepam was doing nothing for me so she suggested Tryptophan.  I'm concerned about this because I'm  sure I tried it way way back when I was seeing Dr Fab...(1991-2001)..and for some reason I didn't remain on it....I don't remember what it did to me because I had a rough road trying different meds and now I'm doing as well as I probably ever will be and I don't want to screw it up.  If she prescribed it PRN then I can limit it to nights when I can't settle to sleep. See, she doesn't know me at all; 3 or 4 15 minute sessions don't give her much of a chance to get to understand how my illness is working and where I'm at.....so she doesn't know about the difficulty I had while trying new meds. I'm afraid to take it on a regular basis.  God, it would be terrible if this med screws my mind again.  I'll see what they say at the pharmacy when I go over tomorrow.  I really hope I'm not jumping from the frying pan into the fryer!!!!!!

I need a Purpose

This morning started out on a very depressing note; I felt so horrible and beaten that I just plain couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed until mid morning.  I felt so depressed all I could do was dig down deeper under the covers and close my eyes, wishing to God it would go away.  I hate depression; it always steals away so much that is valuable in my life.  I'm afraid of depression and the power that it has over me..........but there's only one who can fight against this depression....and that's........me.  I managed to drag myself out of bed and make myself breakfast and go on to do my regular mundane chores...I knew I had to force myself to go to the store and pick up some groceries..FORCE is the key word here......and I did.....I wrestled away the stranglehold of the depression and FORCED myself to go over there and shop.....and I did.....my mood was starting to lift anyway but it was still a long way from the top.  Didn't do much after I came back home; just sat and did some reading and then had a nap.  Being alone is really getting to me; sometimes I love it and other times I feel so needy, wish I had someone here with me.  After that stupid episode I just had I feel nervous at the thought of not having someone to care for me, to care enough to save me from myself.....I don't think I'll ever meet another person like Paul ....so I have to find the  strength to go it alone...totally alone.....Tonight I decided to go down to the sitting room and visit with whoever would be there; it looked very festive with tree and decorations....(Christmas...that's another story) but it as nice down there.  Just listening to and seeing other people around brought me to a more positive state of mind.  Not the best but still much much better than this morning.  I know now why I don't get up early and stay up.........it's because I feel that I have nothing to get up for....I wish I could change that but I don't know how.  I ....don't......know....how.

Feeling Lonely

I found this to be an extra long day because I didn't go outside or anything....it was just too cold...I know, I need to get used to it because we're looking down the throat of winter; could get snow any time.  Even though Alice popped by at  noon with a Tim's coffee for me, as well as three Sobey's cards (was supposed to be my Christmas present but I need them now)..this is the first time my finances got so low since I took over  them after Paul died.  The reason I'm skating by on $32 is because I spent $100 on the lazy boy chair that Susan had for sale; I don't usually spend that much at once but I really needed the chair...I don't plan to make any more major purchases in the days ahead....that;s it.  On my small income I really can't afford it.  I need another computer chair to replace this one but I plan to spend very little.  So Alice gave me the cards early so I'll have them to buy groceries should I run out ( I bought some milk to hopefully see me through a few more days, thinking I wouldn't have any money for it.....this has to last till the end of this month and that's a long time away when I don't have the cash money.  I'll be able to make it now, thanks to Alice......I wish she could have come in though because loneliness is starting to get to me.  I need to feel that I matter.  Loved?  I need male companionship, someone who could give me a hug now and then...I don't like hugging women ; I need a man for that.  Not cheap sex.  Just support, closeness, warmth...all the things I'm lacking in my life.  Sometimes I wish that I had been the one to die instead of Paul.  I knew i'd be lonely but I have tried to stay tough and not let any of this get me down.  It isn't easy.  Rowena hasn't been up yet, and I always feel better when she's here with me; must be something on the go; she's usually here.  Oh I'll make it through this; I always do, but I could sure use a heaping helping of pure happiness.

Speechless/ Flu shot

Another fall, another bout of laryngitis...serious laryngitis where I can't talk at all, it's all I can do to even whisper.....I had it now for three days hoping each day would be the last,,But no, it marches continually on and it will go when it's ready.  The sooner the better ; the Salvation Army wants me to sing a couple pieces when they come again next month and I'd really love to start practising, but not in this state.  FRUSTRATING!!!!!!  and it doesn't help any that my throat is so sore too...
On the more positive side I got my flu shot this afternoon so now that's one more thing out of the way and I'm protected against the nasty old flu.
Sharon took me to the food bank today and made another appointment
with me in two weeks time cause I couldn't do much talking with my throat bound up the way it is; it will be a house visit so I'm anxious to show her all the changes I've made in the apartment...maybe I'll have my Christmas tree up too.  I hope to make things nice and  festive here cause I'm not ENTIRELY alone...not like I was last year.
I got my recliner today too;Ralph brought it up and I was very happy for sure!  I waited quite a while for it and now the wait is over!  I really love it too; it's a smaller size one which  is perfect for this apartment; it feels so much more roomy and airy since I cleared out all of the stuff Paul had piled up here.......he hoarded a ton of stuff and it's taken me all this time to reclaim the apartment as my own. Nothing against Paul; I still miss him (when he was well) and we'd play cards and board games by the hour......but since this is my place I need to arrange it to suit me.  This little place is my safe haven and castle......I truly love it!!!!!
(I do wish my Rogers bill would come in soon....I'm afraid to spend any money without getting it paid..)...I have no idea how much I have left in the bank..I thought I'd find out by using my debit card to pick up some milk but it doesn't work that way.  I need to go to the money machine and make a withdrawal, even if it's only $20.....I need to know before Rowena and I go to the Walmart with Nancy this Friday..I don't want to go spending anything if I don't know what i have to work with!!!!

Disappointing day

Cloudy and grey outside, does little for my spirits. I'm feeling kind of down and disappointed too because this was supposed to be my day with Nancy and Rowena...well, unfortunately Nancy was unable to come cause she's sick with the flu or cold or something.....Rick called to see if I could reschedule it for tomorrow; I said sure I could, but that leaves me out in the cold so to to speak.I needed to have them here today to help boost my spirits up.  It's so easy for me to slide down that slippery slope and it sure isn't fun.  I spent some time down in the sitting room and it helped while I was there.  I wanted to stay longer but I was thirsty and needed to go to the  bathroom too. 
The extra lithium that Dr Vayani added to my current dosage is causing my legs and feet to retain water like you wouldn't believe.....I didn't ant him upping it in the first place..it scares me when I see my legs and feet swollen like they are...Psych meds just aren't worth it.....too dangerous...too many side effects.....I'll have to talk to Dr Digby or Hoyt; whichever one I see first.....I heard horror stories about lithium and how it causes kidney failure...if it's  that bad then I don't want to take it.  I'll never be level anyway so why should I lay my physical health on the line for these pills?

still not sleeping

Once again, two hours of sleep last night...in one way I really don' t mind because I can find loads of things to do  that keep me from being bored!  Also I really love getting up bright and early in the morning...I'm hoping this will make it possible for me to go to things I've been missing  such as church and choir, day trips with the center, etc....I feel really good in the morning.....there are some periods where the sleep loss hits me and I could fall down right then and there; also I can't speak clearly at all and I feel so foolish when that happens...
Last night I was sooooo sleepy and half out of it that I couldn't find my blog...really stupid.....so I wound up not blogging at all..I thought that was the end of my blogging and I was extremely upset!  Oh, I can be so clueless!
My birthday went really well yesterday!  Rowena was here and also Alice and Billie-jo.....I got some really nice things that cheered my heart...I'm so happy that I have my family back....Susan called too and sent up some presents.....she's also going to track down a LazBoy recliner for me, also a computer chair..(this one is so thin it hurts my ass)The poor old couch is so old and worn it's time for it to move along; foam is even coming out of the cushions, and the couch smells.  I'm trying to fix up this apartment really nice so it will be my castle.  When poor Paul was here it was a cluttered nightmare.....I think he'd be proud of me if he couldis a couple hours of sleep a night see what I'm doing.
Sharon is coming tomorrow to take me up to the hospital to have my monthly blood work done.  I hope she had the chance to talk to Dr Hoyt regarding my loss of sleep.  I feel that the Tenazepam is being rejected by my brain after taking it regularly for many years (as in 30 some)  I don't want to lose out on my early mornings!  I love being up early and being able to get out to VARIOUS THINGS SUCH AS CHURCH AND CHOIR, DAY TRIPS, ETC)  I missed out on 4 day trips from the center, among other things by sleeping in so late.....All I need ,is  just enough to supply my need.  A couple or three hours a night would do the job effectively.  One problem right now is that I get hit by dizziness, inability to speak plainly.feeling like I've been hit on the head by a hammer...that's the part that need to be eliminated.  Also my mood swings.  I did much better today though, so it could be that the Abilify is going to take over and do the job.  Dr Hoyt promised me that she would take me off the Clozaril if the Abilify works.  So maybe she will and maybe I'll have a chance at losing some weight.!

Mixed up Mind

This was one weird day in all senses of the word...I'm still having problems with my sleeping, for starters, and when I got up at 4, I seriously thought it was 4 in the morning!  I was puzzled, though because it just didn't look like 4 AM....I got up anyway and felt like the only person left after the Rapture; I didn't see or hear anyone moving about the building, felt weird and lost too.  Continuing on in the belief I was up in the early morning I booted up the computer and hung out on Facebook and checking my emails.  I noticed the date on the tool bar was FRIDAY, OCT 14 and all I could think was that something had gone wrong with the machine because today was Saturday the 15th...I was positive of that.

  I had forgotten that I had an appointment with Dr Digby today;Rowena came along with me and too bad it was rainy 'cause we had to take a taxi up and back.....I had made a stupid mistake in
the bus schedule, so we missed the one we needed to ride to the clinic...I couldn't believe my stupidity!!! So..taxi up and taxi back......and taxis aren't cheap!!!!  I remember being in the office with the doctor and being sooo tired and soo confused....he was very concerned about my state of mind and wanted to take this further with Dr Hoyt (move my appointment up sooner....I tried to explain to him that her plan involves the Abilify and how well it works or not works....I didn't want him contacting her and getting her mad at me when all I had gone to see Dr Digby for was my sore throat...I wasn't sure if I had tonsillitis or what because sometimes my throat closes up and I think I'm going to choke..