A DATE WITH DONNIE

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this short cus I'm awfully tired (good, I need my sleep)  After going a couple of weeks without keeping in touch, Donnie called tonight and asked me out for tomorrow night.....I was surprised cus I thought he just wanted to chat...but no, this time is a date.  We're definitely going to Tim Horton's and possibly to the Legion to do some dancing...should make for a wonderful evening....All I want from him is to be a companion for me, to go places with...to give me things that my female friends can't.  I'm glad he already knows a bit about my being BP, and I also mentioned that I can't drink any kind of alcohol due to it reacting with my meds.....well, it turns out he gave up drinking a year ago.  I hope he asks me more about BP tomorrow and then I can fill him in with a few more details.  I pefer to be open and up front...don't want a guy wasting time and money on a relationship that's going nowhere. I must admit I am a little on the nervous side....gosh I haven't dated anyone for over 30 years...I met Paul in 1977, so it's been that long.....all I can do is just be myself and see how things go from there,,,I'm looking forward to it too!!!!

Back on Track

Thank God I'm able to take my tryptophan again!  I'm feeling really well, and even more important I'm getting my sleep!  Getting the proper amount of sleep makes a huge difference to me especially because I'm Bipolar.  Anyway last night Rowena and I attended a supporter's meeting (we were with Nancy, Rick too)...each member of the Borderline (EID) forum group were asked to bring in their strongest supporters to learn what the illness is all about and the many ways in which we can further support them.  I found it very interesting but poor Ro was overwhelmed by it all.  You see, she didn't have a lot of schooling but she makes up for it in coping with life skills......she knows so much more than I do, and I'm supposed to be so "book smart" as I call it!  Ro really loves Nancy and she does everything in her power to  help her, and myself.  The meeting lasted two hours and I was so happy to get out for a while..much as I love my apartment it can become rather smothering.  I need to keep getting out or my illness will be triggered by staying alone too long.  I got out grocery shopping today with Ro  and restocked most of my supplies; I need to go back and buy a few more things......It won't be tomorrow thanks to a huge blizzard that's headed this way; it will be going full force tomorrow with lots of snow and strong winds......I wouldn't care but it's going to cancel out our Girl's Days.....we all look forward to those, and not having it will be such a loss.....I can find things to do; I have no problem there..but I really want to spend the day with Ro and Nancy!!!

Sharon

Well, Sharon called first thing this morning and I told her what's going down with the Tenazepam and my blood work.  I know she can't talk to Dr Hoyt until Wednesday, and I don't know what she can do with the social services.....if they don't want to authorise the tenazepam then that's okay with me, even though that would mean that I'd have to  pay for the pills I have already taken I'm thinking it was close to 2 weeks....I told them not to dispense any more when I went to the pharmacy Monday.....I sure hope it won't cost me too much; I'm not rich you know!  That's why I have to go to social services in the first  place!! 

does mental health system care at all?

First of all, Art did bring his friend (Donnie Clayton) up to meet me, vice versa; we were all together here in the apartment so nothing happened.  He seemed nice enough and looked pretty good too.  Anyway I did get a call from him on Tuesday night and we talked close to an hour, so I kind of thought maybe he was going to ask me out.  Anything to brighten up my life.  But I haven't heard from him since and life continued on.  No hard feelings. No broken heart.I can live without Donnie Clayton or any other man.  I have my independence for a reason and I certainly don't want to lose it!!  I can't live with ANYBODY.....the last two years have proven that!
My Tryptophan still hasn't been authorized by Social Services,and the Pharmacy said if these pills are not authorized then I'll have to pay for the ones I have been given the last week or so.....so I told them not to dispense any more to me; I'll get by without them some how.  I don't have a whole lot of money to spend out on things like that. (they must be awfully expensive so I'm worried about the cost of what I've already taken)  I've gone two nights without them and I haven't encountered any difficulties yet  Maybe I don't really need them after all.  I can live with that.
Second concern, more important than the pills is that I was informed that my monthly blood work has come to an end after all these years of being tested regularly for lithium and then clozaril!  I've been tested every month since 1994 and now all of a sudden the policy is changed...the appointments stop after a year, then have to be renewed by the doctor. I called Central Scheduling who passed me over to Dr Hoyt...I called her office and she's going to be away till Wednesday!  The problem is that if the pharmacy doesn't receive my  blood work results then they can't give me any more clozaril.  I was pretty worried for a day or two but now that Donnie's out of the picture I don't have to try so hard to remain well. I can be myself. The system's going to hell in a hand basket anyway.  I can't relate to Dr Hoyt.  How I wish I had Dr Shahid back or even Dr Vayani......I knew I was safe with them.  Now I don' t feel safe at all.  So much for maintaining wellness.

Pill Progress

Well,I've been taking the tryptophan for over a week now and am not having any adverse effects!  They are helping me get to bed before 12, although I'd love to go to bed even sooner!  I feel calm inside and now that I passed
through that nasty spell with that bad cold my mood is very good, very positive!  Of course I realize that I feel uplifted today because it was my day to have Rowena and Nancy in...a tradition I hope and pray continues on for many years yet!  And apparently Art has a friend he wants to introduce me to Monday night......I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet......I know he wants to see me find someone, but even if I do I don't want to give up my independence....not for anyone......marriage doesn't work for me; I'm not fit for someone to live with..but I don't mind dating someone....getting out of the apartment and having a bit of fun.....anyway, I'm not even sure he'll show up or if he does, he will most likely not be very interested in me.  I'm long gone past looking good for a man.  Well, we'll see how things turn out; could be interesting.  Back to my Tryptophan, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take it because it hasn't been authorized by social services yet; the pharmacy has been good enough to keep advancing pills every couple of days, enough to tide me over.  They told me that SS sent a fax to Dr Hoyt with a bunch of questions on it so I'm afraid I may be discontinued from this medication.  I don't even know about hunting up another because my next appointment with her isn't until spring.  Aaahh there's always something.  I need to go back to the Pharmacy Monday anyway, maybe some news will be in for me.  I need these pills; they seem to be working well with the others and I feel emotionally perfect (if anyone can feel emotionally perfect)....I don't know why Dr Fab discontinued it so long ago but back then I was rapid cycling so bad it made treatment almost impossible.  I think I tried a lot of really good meds but I don't think I really turned the corner until I had all those ECTs; things have definitely changed for me!!!  I'm like a totally different person now!!!!!!!!!!

New Pills (tryptophan)

Ok, I've been taking the Tryptophan since Saturday, and haven't experienced any ill effects to my mind (yet). But I developed a sore throat and am unable to talk much (laryngitis) and I now have a headache (in the back of my head)..I took an Advil and it eased up the pain, but I did have a drop in my moods today; I was close to crying, felt really lonely here in my apartment.  The only thing I could do for it was to go down to the sitting room and hear some talking and laughing; after a while I was too. I feel more like myself now.  See, if I were still living in Harvey I wouldn't have this way of helping myself; I was extremely isolated out there and Paul wasn't much of a help.  Sometimes he was but not enough and he loved to get my crank going.  I don't think I can ever live in peace with someone; too moody, and I need my independence. Anyway, this entry is mostly a check on the Tryptophan, to make sure everything will be all right, because I don't have another appointment with Dr Hoyt until May 9.

New Medication???????!!!!!!!!!!

I've been doing really well lately (minus a few bad days) and I didn't feel like doing any writing; I felt it would be just a repetition of one day after another.  In other words, boring.  The only reason I'm bothering with this tonight is that Dr Hoyt prescribed a new medication for me to take for sleep since my Temazepam  stopped working.  I was starting to stay up till 2 or 3:00 again......I don't mind a late night once in a while but too many of them can get to me.  I told her the Temazepam was doing nothing for me so she suggested Tryptophan.  I'm concerned about this because I'm  sure I tried it way way back when I was seeing Dr Fab...(1991-2001)..and for some reason I didn't remain on it....I don't remember what it did to me because I had a rough road trying different meds and now I'm doing as well as I probably ever will be and I don't want to screw it up.  If she prescribed it PRN then I can limit it to nights when I can't settle to sleep. See, she doesn't know me at all; 3 or 4 15 minute sessions don't give her much of a chance to get to understand how my illness is working and where I'm at.....so she doesn't know about the difficulty I had while trying new meds. I'm afraid to take it on a regular basis.  God, it would be terrible if this med screws my mind again.  I'll see what they say at the pharmacy when I go over tomorrow.  I really hope I'm not jumping from the frying pan into the fryer!!!!!!